Someday He'll Come Along
by LoveisHeartbreak
Summary: 6 months have passed since Justin came back from NY but Brian seems to have lost what they once had, trust in their love. Will he be able to become the man Justin needs? Switch POV.
1. Lost in a Moment

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Queer as Folk. No copyright infringement intended.**

I've never posted a Queer as Folk story on here, though I've written a few. I never felt they deserved to see the light of day. Sometimes my writing just doesn't appeal the way I want it to. This one holds some promise in my eyes so if you like it, let me know and maybe this will turn into the epic I'm envisioning. :) Happy reading!

**Chapter 1:**** Lost in a Moment**

"Promise me?" He didn't demand it like he usually did. His tone was just a whisper in the dark room that was starting to close in on me, pushing him further away. His expression told me things were coming to an end once more. I was fucking up, again, and I could tell he was sick of it. I wanted to know if there was another Ethan somewhere in the back round of our dramatic play but I kept my mouth shut, knowing it would only make it worse. Would I survive this one?

"Justin... We've talked about this a million times, we've _fought_ about this even more. I'm done. Now get in bed." I could see it all break apart in his eyes, my words literally hurt him but I couldn't be what he wanted. I just couldn't. I pulled up the covers but he shook his head, the unshed tears glinting in the light at the edge of the bed.

"Seriously? What are you going to do, sleep on the couch?" I quirked an eyebrow at him, hoping he would forgive my short comings and lay down beside me before it all fell apart. He didn't move for a short while, his teary eyes watching me very carefully. I kept my mask up, like I always did. I didn't know how to let it down the way he wanted me to. He sniffled quietly and then grabbed his backpack, stuffing a few articles of clothing in it and slipping his shoes on.

"_For God's Sake, Justin._" I spoke vehemently, fed up with his childish bull shit. We were both grown adults, couldn't he start to act like one at some point?

"No, Brian. I'm leaving. I'll be at Debbie's if you need me. _Which I doubt you will_." The last part was spoken under his breath but I could hear it just as clearly as if he had yelled it at me. The tears had spilled over at this point. I almost, _almost_, got out of bed and dragged him back to me but something held me back as I watched him open the door and slam it shut. I shuddered, dropping back onto the bed with a sigh.

This... this _boy_ meant more to me than anyone else but he refused to accept what I was offering. I didn't have the capacity to love the way he wanted me to. My own family history was testament to my stunted growth emotionally. No matter how much I wanted to give him everything his spoiled heart desired, I couldn't and I hated myself for that.

_Since when had the Brian Kinney ever doubted or hated himself?_ Well apparently I did now. I threw the covers off, knowing sleep wasn't going to happen at this point, and slid out of bed with a groan. I was too tired for this shit but it wasn't like I could sleep without him around. After all this time, he had wormed his way into my sleeping pattern, and my life, of all things. I padded over to the fridge and grabbed the pint of Cherry Garcia that Justin had left in there, adding a spoon to it before I finally lowered myself down onto my expensive white leather couch.

_Carbs after 7pm... tisk tisk, Kinney._

"Shut up." I growled, turning on the T.V. to drown out my own thoughts as they berated me. My life was a complete lie, a fabrication that I had created so very long ago to protect myself from assholes like Jack and Joan Kinney. I didn't need them in the life I had created but when people like Justin came along my defenses were useless and I knew they only served to push away the one person I actually wanted in my life. I stared at the re-run of I Love Lucy without really comprehending it. It wasn't what mattered at the moment.

_This is not you. Snap out of it. You're turning into some soppy hetero-fag like the rest of them._

"Shut up, would you?" My thoughts calmed for a moment but I knew they would only give me so long to be this way before I was shoved back into the fabrication of who I was. Then I would pour myself a drink and get so drugged up that I couldn't see straight, let alone think of anything important.

The real question was, how to make Justin understand that I really was trying and the only reason I was trying was for him. I popped another spoonful of Cherry Garcia in my mouth and savored the taste. It reminded me of the way Justin would taste after he ate some and then kissed me. I groaned and shoved that memory away. That wasn't helping. The television screen blurred slightly and blinked quickly to clear it.

_Time to wake up you fucking hetero-fag. Brian Kinney is baaaacckk._ I didn't argue. Brian Kinney did not cry, not over some bullshit like this. I stood up, returned the ice cream to the fridge, poured myself a drink, and got dressed for some overdue clubbing. Babylon was calling and I couldn't exactly let the club I owned go unwatched, especially when there were so many beautiful twinks to be fucked there. I downed another shot of Beam, grabbed the poppers, and made my way to the 'vette.

xXx

The tears were all dried up by the time I pulled up to Debbie's. The lights were out and the house looked almost haunted in the streetlight. I shivered and forced myself to grab my bag before exiting the vehicle. I locked the car, looking around at the practically empty street as I hurried up the steps. I knocked as loud as I dared and adjusted my back pack as the front hall light turned on. The curtain pulled back and Debbie's face appeared, obviously suspicious, before breaking out into a smile. She retreated and then the door was being swung wide open as she bade me to enter.

"Sunshine! What're you doin' here to so late?" I shrugged half-heartedly as she threw her arms around me and practically squeezed the air out of my lungs. I coughed slightly when she let go and waved me into the kitchen.

"Deb, I need a place to crash for the night." I couldn't get my voice any higher than just above a whisper. I knew Carl was here somewhere and I didn't want to wake him, though that was only part of the problem. I was too choked up to speak normally anyway. I felt a bit like my heart was being torn in half. Why did this have to be so complicated?

"Of course, Sunshine. You know you're welcome here anytime." She sat down next to me and placed a sandwich in my line of sight. Deb was fully aware that I could never pass up a chance to eat, no matter what I was going through. I smiled at her, a sad smile, but at least it was a start.

"Now, tell me what happened. You know I'll figure it out eventually if you don't." I chuckled though the sound was without humor as I picked up the sandwich and shoved about half of it in my mouth at once, effectively keeping me from saying a word.

"I knew I should have withheld that until I got you to spill." She muttered before grabbing a glass of milk for me. Once I finally managed to to swallow the bite I had shoved into my mouth Deb placed her hand over mine.

"You don't have to tell me right now, Sunshine. We can talk about it tomorrow. You're old room is still set up so if you'd like to crash there, you can. Don't feel like you have to find somewhere else to stay tomorrow either. You can stay here as long as ya like." She hugged me gently this time and then stood to return to her bed.

"Thanks, Deb." I called out to her. She stopped, watching me thoughtfully for a moment.

"He'll come around, Sunshine. I just know it. Hang in there." There was no hesitation in her tone as she advised me to hold on just a bit longer. I was so tired though, so sick and tired of all the bullshit. It was like, after I left, he'd reverted back to where we'd started. Why had I come back anyway?

"Oh, right, because I fucking love the bastard," I whispered as I washed my plate and headed up to bed. It was true. I still loved Brian; I would always love him. It wasn't something I could let go of, not now, not ever. He was the one for me and sometimes I thought he felt the same way but ever since I came back it had been a constant struggle to get him to open up again. He had even started going to Babylon again, which he had stopped doing for a while before I'd left for New York.

The sad part was, we had agreed, together, that I should go. He wanted me to be my own man and I had agreed, reluctantly, that he was right. We would always love each other, we both knew that, even now, but I hadn't expected things to become what they were. Never in a million years had I thought he would have let me leave if it hurt him this badly to do so. I had _hurt_ him by my departure even though he had promised me it was mutual.

I stripped down, pulled on some pajamas, and flopped down in my bed with a loud sigh. I was being melodramatic, call it the princess in me, but I couldn't help it. I had been waiting for his proposal for so long that when we had both agreed to give it up I had thought maybe some day he would renew the offer. He hadn't returned the rings, at least, not before I left. I had yet to see them since I had returned about six months ago. My thoughts wound around the unforgettable day.

_"Brian?" My voice was shaky in my post-coital glow. He was just as good at getting me off with words as he was when we were physically together._

_ "Yes, Sunshine?" He sounded just as satiated as I felt. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him but soon it wouldn't be an issue if he agreed to what I was about to ask._

_ "I want to come home. I've made my way into the art world, established myself as an artist but Pittsburgh is where I belong and I was wondering if you would let me come home... to you, instead of a single bedroom apartment." I had started off strong but ended in a whisper. I was so afraid he would say no which didn't make any sense since I knew he missed me just as much as I missed him._

_ "I'm not going to stop you from coming home, Justin." His response was frank, any trace of happiness vanished. I frowned. That wasn't the answer I'd been hoping for. He sounded so cold, almost afraid. I sighed._

_ "I just... I mean... I can get my own place or whatever." I heard him grumbling, frustrated now. I couldn't tell if it was with me or with himself. Most likely it was the former._

_ "Justin. I want you here. I always want you here." His tone had softened considerably and I grinned. He sounded like he had when he'd asked me to marry him. Kind, loving, and so un-Brian-like yet I enjoyed it all the same. He had changed a lot over the years I'd known him. I was sure two years __absence would only bring us closer once we were together again. Who knows, maybe we'd even get married for real._

I snorted, pulling myself away from the now tainted memory. It was no longer a point of joy to think of marriage, a marriage that would obviously never happen.

It wasn't that Brian slept with other men because it seemed he had given up on that once that bomb had gone off at Babylon but it was like he was hiding from me. He kissed me, loved me, fucked me, hugged me, held me, touched my heart in ways no one else could, but I could feel the distance, the careful distance he kept as though I would walk out at any moment. He wasn't the confident man I'd once known. He drank more than he ever had before and the drugs were just as prevalent.

Had my departure changed him so much that he was _that_ afraid of losing me? I had promised him over and over that I would never leave him again. I had learned my lesson after Ethan and, after that, the bomb had sealed the deal. I loved Brian irrevocably but he didn't seem to believe me and in turn the shield he kept up made our relationship cold, unfeeling. It was a mere shadow of what I'd known only two years earlier.

_Brian, what are you so afraid of?_

xXx

It had been hard to start up Babylon again after the bomb, convincing the gay community that it was safe to be there and be queer. Yet, after about six months of renovation and a hell of a good job advertising, the place was pretty much back to normal. Life went on, as it always did, at Babylon. The _thumpa thumpa_ could never truly be beaten down in a community such as ours.

I downed my last shot of Beam and cut myself off, knowing if I drank anymore that I'd be unable to drive, not that it had ever stopped me before. Yet, something about the way Justin had left tonight had been holding me back, dragging me away from the things that made me forget. He had always been one of the best at getting me to face my mistakes and shortcomings. Of course, I was, as always, the ever unwilling pupil in his teachings.

I pulled the poppers out of my pocket, stared at them and then placed them back in my pocket with a defeated sigh. It looked like I would be relatively sober tonight and all alone. I glanced around at the gyrating crowd and tried to muscle up some desire to fuck one of them but I couldn't. There was no passion to those quick fucks or blow jobs, no secret smiles or sweet kisses. It was all a part of the fabrication and there were some parts of me I just couldn't fabricate anymore.

_Face it... You're whipped. Fucking pussy._ I almost spoke aloud to the annoying voice in my head but thought better of it since I was no longer in the privacy of my own home. I caught a young, blond haired, twink checking me out and I turned away. I already had the blond haired twink I wanted and he had left me alone in bed not too long ago. I really didn't need to be here at the moment so I saluted Teddy a goodbye and headed back out into the night. There were better places to be, places were I was actually needed and... loved.

_Fucking pansy_. I growled quietly but let it go. My thoughts were not cooperating with me tonight.

xXx

A quiet knock on the window had me jolting up out of bed at the ungodly hour of... I glanced at the clock... two in the morning. Well that wasn't so bad. I turned to see who was waking me up using the window when there was clearly a front door that could be used. I could see familiar brown hair but the face was hidden by the window sill. I slid out of bed, shivering outside of the warm covers, and opened the window as quietly as I could.

It wasn't too surprising when Brian's face appeared just where the sill was.

"Come home." He whispered, his tone almost desperate. Why was he hanging outside my window to tell me this? The drop was pretty far and the last thing I wanted was for him to get hurt.

"Okay, okay. I'll meet you outside in a minute if you promise me you'll get down from there. Safely!" I whispered back. He nodded in agreement and began his decent down while I shut the window, packed up, and made my way down the stairs. Deb either didn't wake up or chose not to get up when I left. I walked out, without making too much noise, to find Brian waiting for me at the end of the sidewalk by my car.

He didn't look intoxicated but I could never tell with him until he started talking. Why else would he have climbed two stories, without liquid courage, just to get me to come home. I stopped a few feet away and crossed my arms.

"What are you doing here, Brian?" I sounded like a whining child, even to myself. I shook my head in disgust at my own attitude. I needed just as much help as he did.

"I want you to come home with me... please?" He looked up at me, holding me captive in his eyes. I couldn't say no to him. I had never really been able to. It was a part of the power he had over me. There was something holding me to him though, the pain and desperation in his eyes was something I hadn't seen since I'd left. Those final moments together had held the same amount of desperation and love in them as was in his expression now. He, for some reason, had let his walls down just for the moment.

"Brian, why wont you let me in? What did I do wrong?" My words came out in a whisper as I stepped toward him. I wanted _my_ Brian back, the one who'd told me he loved me two years ago, the one who was confident in himself and his life. I could see the struggle in his expression as I finally reached him and wrapped my arms around him. I held his gaze, unwilling to let this moment go.

"I-I... it's not you, Sunshine. All my fault..." He mumbled. It was easy to see those words hadn't been articulated easily. He wasn't the type to let people see the darker side of him, the broken side.

"Let's go home." He didn't let go of me as we made our way to his car, his arm tight around my waist. I felt his lips on my cheek before he finally separated from me so that I could get in the passengers side of the car. As soon as we had gotten ourselves buckled in, he took my hand in his.

The car ride home was silent. He didn't take us to the loft, which was where we usually stayed. Instead we drove the forty minutes out to Britin, the empty fields around us a reminder of just how isolated we were. If it had been any other day, I wouldn't have minded but tonight was emotional enough. I didn't want the reminder of two year's past in my head all night as we slept.

As he pulled into the garage, he let go of my hand with obvious hesitation and got out of the car, waiting for me to follow suit. He grabbed my bag from the back seat for me and made his way towards the house, unlocking the door and holding it open for me to enter. I smiled in gratitude, recalling the first day he'd brought me here. How surprising it had all been, the secrecy, the silence, and all the questions on my part. None of it had made any sense up until he'd told me that the mansion of a house was for us. Us. I sighed into the darkness of the large foyer. I had never felt more alone.

xXx

It felt like a whole different world when we came here, a place where I could open up and tell him how I truly felt. I had done so a few times before in this house made just for the two of us. Seeing him come out of Deb's house, his eyes red, body sagging in exhaustion had been like a stab to the heart. I had done that to him, my idiocy had done that to the one person I truly cared about.

I could feel all the chaos of the past six months rising in my chest, ripping me in two right before his eyes and there was no way to hide it, no way to protect myself from such searing pain. I could see it in the way he walked towards me, in the way he spoke, that the war within me was painfully obvious. As soon as he had placed his arms around me, to love, to comfort, I had latched on as if to never let go.

I closed the front door and watched in silence as my personal sunshine looked around and sighed. There was no joy in his face, no youthful innocence. What had happened to my beautiful Sunshine? That's right- I had happened. I dropped the keys into my pocket and wrapped my arms around him, pressing my lips against his soft pink ones. Once, twice I kissed him before he began to respond, unable to resist what I was offering. I reached up and cupped the back of his neck, pulling him closer until I could feel the salty tears that were making wet paths down his cheeks.

I led him upstairs slowly, without quite breaking our embrace or our kisses. I could feel my heart beating to the rhythm of his shallow breaths. The door to the master suite was already open and I closed it behind us as I led him towards the bed, slowly sliding his shirt up over his taunt stomach. As his knees hit the edge of the bed he sat down and looked up at me, eyes red, a smile at the ready.

"I love you," I whispered, without hesitation, without having planned on saying it. It was true though. I loved him, I would always love him. It didn't matter what I had gone through, how many times I had been beaten, how many men I'd fucked. All that mattered was him. That was all that had ever mattered, ever since the night he'd walked right into my fabrication of a life.

"I love you too, Brian." The open honesty in his eyes, the remaining unshed tears, the love shining from him had me pressing my lips to his once more, following him down onto the bed. I slid my hands gently through the soft blond hair. I held my hand to his chest, feeling his fluttering heartbeat against my fingers, matching my own beat perfectly.

With simple moves he tugged my shirt up and over my head before unbuckling my belt and tugging at my jeans. Before he could get any further, I slid his shirt over his head, kissing my way down his pale chest and unhooking his jeans before sliding them down to the floor. I wanted him to know, to really know, how I felt about him, how I couldn't live without him. I didn't get very far when he grabbed me and pulled me back up gently, serious blue eyes boring into mine.

"Fuck me, please." He demanded. I smiled, more than willing to give in to his demands, always willing to give in to his demands.

xXx

The bed shifted slightly as Brian came crawling in, completely naked, to lay beside me. His hair was soaking wet after the shower we had taken part in not long after he had made love to me on the bed. I had expected a hard fuck, as was normal, but it had been just the opposite. It had been a worship of each other, a slow, sensual, loving that made me want him all the more. His words had burned in his eyes as he had told me he loved me. The power behind those three words surged through me with an excitement I rarely felt these days.

Brian collapsed beside me, wrapping his arms around my torso and shutting his eyes. We were both exhausted. It was almost seven in the morning now and we had been up all night. Brian had already called Cynthia to tell her he wouldn't be in today at Kinnetik. She hadn't been pleased but he was the boss and she couldn't berate him too much. Justin could hear her as she did though and it had been hard to hold in the laughter at her words.

"Really, Brian, couldn't you learn to stay in once in a while? I mean, _hell_, I know you have to watch over your club but I can't run this place without you here! Responsibility can be a good thing sometimes!" Brian had, of course, blown her off, telling her that it was an emergency and that she was perfectly capable of handling his clients for the day. I had been forced to hold a pillow against my face to keep her from hearing me laugh.

Maybe it had been an emergency for Brian but me leaving wasn't anything new. Things had been rocky since I'd gotten back. I reached out and ran my fingers through his wet brown hair, tugging at it gently before merely running my fingers through it soothingly. We needed to talk, really talk, instead of arguing like we usually did. Maybe Britin would be our middle ground to hash this out. I snuggled down into his embrace, wrapping the covers around the both of us as I dozed off for a few hours. We would wake up when we were good and ready. Then, hopefully, we would talk this all out, if Brian didn't throw up his defenses by then.

xXx

"Sunshine... time to wake up..." I poked at him gently but there was no response. Justin was never good at waking up, no matter what time of day, but I had the perfect remedy. I slid under the covers, running my hands down his chest to his hips as I wrapped my mouth around his rapidly hardening cock. I heard a groan come from outside the cocoon of covers and a sleepy voice.

"Mmmm... Brian..." I 'hmmed' back and he shuddered. I knew what he liked. I listened with satisfaction as his breathing picked up, his hands balling up in the sheets, his groans turning into breathy words. His body shuddering under my expert tongue. I would do anything to hear the sounds coming out of him at this point.

"Don't- don't stop... Brian... Oh god!" His back arched just as the orgasm hit full force. Making sure he was clean enough, I crawled out from under the sheets, a cocky grin on my face to find a thoroughly happy and awake Sunshine looking back at me.

"Good morning, Sunshine. How was your nap?" I quirked an eyebrow at him and he laughed, a full out belly laugh, his whole face lighting up. I really needed to make him laugh like that more often.

"Wonderful though the wake up call was definitely the best part." I chuckled and nodded, sliding an arm around his shoulders and kissing him thoroughly before hopping out of bed and throwing on a pair of shorts.

"Time for breakfast." I beckoned to him as I made my way towards the hallway.

"But you just ate!" Justin called after me. I turned around and winked at him.

"But you haven't and we all know how you get when you haven't eaten. Come on!" I watched as he scooted to the edge of the bed, stood up, and stretched out with a yawn. I let my eyes wander shamelessly over my beautiful, blue eyed, lover. As soon as he caught me staring, he blushed and I laughed. Always so modest, even though I knew every nook and cranny of his lean body as if it were my own. He pulled on a pair of shorts and padded down the hall after me, taking my hand as he passed, and leading me down the stairs.

This is the way things should have been when he came back. Why couldn't life be this simple? Justin pushed me into one of the chairs at the bar, kissed me lightly on the lips, and slipped out of my grasp to get into the fridge. I watched in amusement as he began to hum to himself while preparing a breakfast of omelets and coffee. The sunlight streaming in warmed me considerably as he cooked, the smells wafting into my nose making my stomach growl loudly. Justin looked up with a grin.

"It seems someone didn't get enough this morning..." He trailed off suggestively and I laughed.

"It's afternoon now, Sunshine." He smiled but didn't try to fight my words. I was right anyway. I just liked to make fun of him and his mix-ups. I thanked him when an omelet appeared in front of me along with a hot cup of coffee. After a minute or two we were both walking over to the kitchen table to sit down and eat together. I burned my tongue on the omelet almost as soon as I got it into my mouth. Justin laughed at my surprised face.

"Izz hott!" I tried to explain. That only made him laugh harder.

"Well of course it's hot, dummy. It just came off a hot frying pan!" He blew gently on his own bite before placing it delicately in his mouth, a smug look on his face. It was childish but as soon as I was able to swallow my bite, I stuck my tongue out at him.

"How old are you now? 5?" He quipped back. I chuckled and went for a second bite of my breakfast, this time blowing on it before placing it in my mouth. Our banter felt so normal, so routine, and I was finding that I enjoyed far more than I ever would have thought. After a minute of comfortable silence, Justin put down his fork.

"Brian?" His tone had shifted considerably to something far more serious. I looked up, my first feeling being trepidation, the second being concern for Justin. He didn't sound happy anymore. He took my gaze as a sign to continue.

"We need to talk, about all of it, without the fighting or screaming or walking out. We can't keep this up. It just wont work the way we're doing it." He was right. If I wanted to keep him in my life, I had to tell him what was going on but did I even have the ability to do that? I glanced around the room, taking in the familiar comforts of _our_ home. This was the safest place I could think of for a talk of this magnitude.

"Yes... yes, we do, Sunshine."


	2. I Surrender

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Queer as Folk. No copyright infringement intended.**

Hey guys! Thank you so much for the reviews! Knowing that my story has been enjoyed so far is amazing. :) I hope you enjoy the next installment of Someday He'll Come Along. This chapter was initially almost 9,000 words but it felt like there was too much going on so I split it up. Plus, it just worked better to end it where I did. :) Enjoy!**  
**

**Chapter 2:**** I Surrender**

_ Six months ago..._

_"Brian?" I felt my body relax against the pillows, wishing I had him here in my arms so I could watch his face in the throws of passion once more. I smiled at that thought and held the phone tighter to my ear._

_ "Yeah, Sunshine?" I could hear the satisfied tone in my voice, the feeling was obviously mutual as Justin sounded just as happy as I felt, though there was some hesitation. What was he going to ask?_

_ "I want to come home. I've made my way into the art world, established myself as an artist but Pittsburgh is where I belong and I was wondering if you would let me come home... to you, instead of a single bedroom apartment." I froze up, my heart pounding in my chest as I tried to think through what he had just said. Wasn't I just thinking about how much I missed him? How much I wanted him in my arms? I tried to calm the panic I was suddenly feeling. What was wrong with me?_

_ "I'm not going to stop you from coming home, Justin." I winced. My words sounded cold and uncaring. What was happening to me? I wanted to take it back, explain that I really did want him here, that I missed him, but it wasn't coming out. I curled my hand into a tight fist, frustrated with my own shortcomings._

_ "I just... I mean... I can get my own place or whatever." I sighed, my heart squeezing painfully at his tone. I had hurt him, again. I berated myself silently, hoping to get out all the cynicism, all the chaos ripping through me. I closed my eyes and drifted back to the day I had been sure that Justin was the one for me. He was all I would ever need and all I would ever want. I could recall the look in his eyes when he'd agreed to marry me. I smiled at the thought._

_ "Justin. I want you here. I always want you here." My thoughts calmed down as my tone changed to the one I had wanted in the first place. It was the truth. I wanted him here, in my arms, forever. I glanced over at the top drawer in my dresser which hid the gold wedding bands for safe keeping for when my Sunshine came back to me. My heart constricted painfully at the memory of letting him go, giving him the chance to make it in the world on his own._

xXx

His eyes were glazed over, his body stiff in memory as we sat in silence. I didn't want to interrupt whatever memory he was recalling, no matter how painful. I needed him to be open with me, ready to make this work. I tucked my legs under me, curling up comfortably on my own couch while Brian sat silently on his own. I knew if we got too close that distraction or frustration would boil over and any progress made would disappear.

"Okay, Sunshine. How do we do this?" He opened his eyes, watching me with a mixture of pain and love. I sighed. I honestly wasn't sure but it seemed Brian was looking to me for guidance. That should have made sense since he didn't deal with arguments like ours very often and usually they didn't end well when he did.

"I guess I'll explain to you what I think has been breaking us apart and then you can do the same, if you like. I have a few questions and you can, of course, ask questions of me." Brian nodded, agreeing to my terms. I took a deep breath, my hands practically shaking at what we were about to do.

_"Justin!" I could hear his voice, so familiar yet so isolated to me. I turned toward the sound and caught a glimpse of my lover, the lover I hadn't seen in over two years. I could feel my expression split into a grin as he wound his way towards me. I couldn't help it as my whole body jerked forward, moving quickly toward him._

_ It was like a collision as he threw his arms around me, picking me up, and swinging me around before I felt such familiar lips crashing down on mine. The hunger was all consuming as I clutched him to me with a sort of desperation. God, how I'd missed this man! I could barely breathe and my heart was so full I could have cried._

_ I felt his lips pressing desperate kisses all along my cheeks, over my eyelids, and my forehead as I held onto him. I never wanted to let go._

_ "Okay, okay! Let me at him!" I heard Deb grouse. Brian refused to let me go entirely, keeping one arm wrapped around my torso as Deb practically bowled me over. I could see Michael, Lindsey, and Mel in the back round. They seemed to be in shock at the display of affection they had just witnessed. It wasn't a normal occurrence for Brian to show his affection to me so openly. Ben and Hunter were conversing quietly but they didn't seem surprised at what they'd just witnessed. Either way, I didn't care because I was home._

_ I glanced up at Brian and found him watching me. I blushed, apparently he didn't care what they thought either._

_ "Jus'n!" I heard Gus yell as he ran into my legs. I tore my gaze away from my lover and scooped Gus up into my arms. He grinned and bounced around, his eyes bright with all the excitement at my return._

_ "You're getting so big, Gus! Are you having lots of fun today?" He nodded happily and then began to wiggle around to get down and run around some more._

_ "He's going to be exhausted by his bed time." I noted with a laugh and Brian chuckled. I hugged the rest of the group surrounding me before grabbing my bags and letting them lead me out into the cold Pittsburgh air. The warmth of Brian's arm around my waist made me happier than I had been in all the time I'd been gone._

xXx

"Do you remember how it was before I left? How we agreed that going to New York was in _our_ best interest?" I nodded, watching the tremble in his hands. This was going to be just as hard for Justin as it was for me. I wanted to move closer to him, pull him into my arms, and hold him but now wasn't the time for distractions. This was what he needed and I knew we couldn't go on with the way things were.

"Brian, I keep bringing this up because I just can't believe you. You've reverted back to the man I met seven years ago outside of Babylon. You drink more than you ever have before and half the time you're on some kind of drug. When I came back that first day and saw you in the airport, it felt so much like home that I knew I'd made the right choice but now... it's like you don't trust me, don't trust us. When I left I was so sure of your love, the way you looked at me, the way you acted, proved it without words or rings or vows but since I've come back there's this distance that I can't seem to bridge. I feel as though you're hiding from me. I guess what I need to know is... how can we make this work if you can't trust me with all of you?" The sadness in his eyes as he spoke of the distance between us was unbearable. Once again, I was hurting him. He had just described exactly how I was feeling, the fear, the distance. He understood even as I tried to keep it from him but what he didn't know was that it wasn't him I didn't trust. My heart ached for the wretched sadness in his expression, the utter hopelessness. My Sunshine was fading right in front of me.

"Justin..." He held up a hand and I trailed off, waiting for whatever else he felt needed to be said.

"We can address what I've said after you tell me what you think needs to be discussed." He stated quietly, his hands perfectly still now that he had gotten everything out. This was the most honest we'd been with each other since before he'd left for New York. I took a deep breath, organizing my thoughts slowly after what had just been revealed. What did I need to talk about?

"I... well... Okay." I felt my hands curl up, squeezing into tense fists as I tried to get this out into the open. I had never been good at expressing things, as Justin well knew.

"I can't deal with you walking out all the time. I know I'm not easy to work with, I know I cause more problems then I'm worth but every time you walk out after an argument I dig myself a little deeper into my shield. I'm afraid you wont come back. What would I do without you? What if, when you'd left for New York, you'd found someone else? What if you had fallen in love with someone else the way you loved me and suddenly the one person I trusted with my heart would have been out of my reach forever. It has happened once already." Justin flinched at the reference to Ethan but he had to know that it still came up in my doubts. I could remember that day so very clearly, the weeks leading up to his departure for another man. I had been sure he was gone for good since Ethan could give him what I refused to for fear of opening myself up too far. It had hurt me more than I had ever let on. I forced myself to keep talking before I could shut down on him.

"These fears are a part of me. You know about my past, the way I lived my life for so long was a coping method, a fabrication of who I really am and I know you see that. These fears haunt me every time you so much as walk away from me. Every little thing you do matters and every time I hurt you I grow more and more convinced that you're better off elsewhere, loving someone who can love you back unconditionally." There, I'd said it. I had shown him that Brian Kinney doubted himself. It was all out there, hanging in the air as I took a deep breath and let it out shakily. Justin didn't move for a few moments, his eyes calculating, mulling over what I'd said. After a few minutes, he glanced up at me and smiled. That wasn't quite the reaction I had been expecting.

"Thank you for your honesty." He sounded so serious and I knew he was being serious but I couldn't help the comedic feeling to all of this. I felt like we were sitting with a counselor.

"So serious, Mr. Taylor. I feel as though we're in counseling." He didn't laugh though. Instead he looked thoughtful before smiling back at me again.

"I think that's a good idea." I blinked, unsure of what to say to that comment. That wasn't what I had meant. Since when did I need counseling? I sighed, realizing that the question I had just come up with made no sense considering the conversation we were having right now. Maybe counseling wouldn't be such a bad thing.

"We can talk about that later. Go ahead and ask your questions. I'm pretty sure my original statement covers most of what you were describing anyway." I scooted around the counseling thing and moved on to the next step. He nodded and sat back, crossing his legs in front of him to be more comfortable.

"Are your doubts the reason you wont let me in? The reason for this distance between us?" He inquired quietly. Hadn't I already made that painfully obvious?

"Most likely, yes. But, Justin, you're getting the wrong idea. It's not that I don't trust the fact that you love me because I can see that you do. It's obvious every time you look at me, every time you touch me. I trust that. I do. It's me that I don't trust. I don't trust myself to be enough, to give you what you need. There is so much I've done to you, so many hurdles you've jumped just to stay with me. I don't understand why you'd take the time to do that when you could easily find someone who would love you without all the baggage attached." I took a deep breath, letting my heart rate settle a bit before continuing in a softer tone.

"When you left I realized that it literally _hurt_ to have you so far away and I guess I closed myself off from that pain. Yet, my decision wasn't made to make me happy. It was made so that you could be your own person, so that you could make it on your own. I wanted you to have every opportunity to be whoever you wanted to be." I didn't know how else to explain it. There were small things in our relationship that he could help with but the majority of our problems came from me and I recognized that already.

The drinking and the drugs were a way of losing the pain and forgetting about my own lack of trust in myself. Sometimes it was an effort to revert back to who I was so there was no chance of being hurt but then a memory of Justin would creep in or he would call me and suddenly what I was doing didn't make any sense because I loved him and all my actions did was hurt him. It's a vicious cycle though and I couldn't just stop. It wouldn't just go away because I wanted it to.

"I was serious, Brian, about the counseling. Would you consider going?" He looked hopeful about the idea while I wasn't so sure. How could I open up to someone I didn't even know when I could barely explain it all to the one person I trusted the most? Yet, how could I refuse him? I could feel my fabrications creeping back in, telling me to turn back before I got too deep.

_Whipped is what you are. Fucking snap out of it, Kinney!_

"Oh, give it a fucking rest already." I snapped back before I realized that Justin was still waiting for an answer. His eyes widened, his posture going from completely open to looking as though I'd just slapped him. I immediately jumped up, reaching out towards him.

"No, Justin. Wait. I wasn't... I mean... Yes, I'll give it it try. I wasn't saying that to you." I fumbled around for the right words to explain what had happened. I must be going crazy at this point. Hell, I had just told my thoughts to give it a rest in the middle of a conversation with Justin. He must think I'm fucking crazy. I focused on him, sat down beside him, but his expression was mainly confusion. At least he no longer looked like I had attacked him. Would he think I was nuts?

"I just, sometimes my mind runs away from me, reverts back to the fabrication and tells me to shut myself down before I get hurt. It's like a constant battle against myself. Usually I can ignore it but sometimes it requires some response to get my thoughts in order again. I guess that seems a little crazy, doesn't it?" He nodded but didn't look so confused anymore. I hadn't meant to make things more tense but no matter my intention, I managed to fuck things up again.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't mean to make that sound like it was directed towards you." I felt an arm around my neck and then those soft lips were pressed against mine in an eager kiss. What did I do to deserve this? It didn't make any sense but it was a welcomed action. I slipped my fingers into his hair, holding him to me as our tongues battled it out for a moment. I had a hard time catching my breath as we parted. His effect on me wasn't comparable to anything else I'd experienced before. He had a power over me that I, truly, would never understand.

"I do that too sometimes... talk to myself that is. I think we all do it when we are frustrated or stressed out. I'm just surprised that you would agree to counseling. It's not... like you, I guess." Justin stood from the couch, holding out his hand to me. I smiled and slipped my hand into his. He was right. It wasn't like me at all, at least, it wasn't like me when he wasn't around.

"We should probably head back to the loft." He noted quietly as he led me back up the stairs. He was right but I didn't want to go back. I wanted to be here, with my Sunshine, so I didn't have to share him with the world. The real world was dangerous. It was a place where I had to be guarded, where I had to watch my back, and trust no one. I hated the real world.

"Alright. We'll leave as soon as we're packed." I agreed as I pulled out the top dresser drawer, grabbed a fresh outfit for the ride back, and began to get undressed. Suddenly, a familiar pair of hands grabbed the clothes I'd chosen and tossed them aside.

"Now hold up, Mr. Kinney. Don't tell me you're going to get dressed just like that when you're so conveniently undressed." The hinting tone sent shudders down my spine as pale hands slid down my chest and over my stomach. I leaned forward, crushing my lips to his as I pushed him backwards towards the waiting bed.

"Is this what you were looking for, Mr. Taylor?" I growled in his ear, pleased at the shiver it caused throughout his entire body. He nodded frantically, the need for me clear in his eyes.

_Hey! Hey! You! You! I don't like your girlfriend! No way! No way! Think you need a new one!_ I froze, my gaze locked on Justin's as Avril Lavigne blasted through the room. What the hell? He blushed and pushed me off of him, moving to find his screeching phone. I watched, a bit shocked, as he pulled it out and flipped it open casually.

"This is Justin Taylor, how may I help you?" I watched as he went from completely serious in answering his phone to grinning and bouncing up and down like a 7 year old. I sighed and got up to collect my tossed outfit so I could get dressed to head back to the loft.

"Daph! I should have known it was you with the ring tone. Of course, I haven't _heard_ from you in so long I forgot what your ringtone was!" And the real world intrudes again. I knew it was just Daphne but I wish she had called some other time. Justin turned to face me, his face pulling down into a pout at the image of me getting dressed. I smiled, hiding my thoughts as best I could. He didn't need to know just how mixed up I was.

"Tell Daphne I say 'hello'." Justin nodded as an acknowledgement of what I'd said before I turned to brush my teeth in the adjoining bathroom. I glanced in the mirror as I squeezed a small amount of toothpaste on my toothbrush and placed it in my mouth. My eyes were tight, guarded, and any trace of spontaneous happiness seemed to have vanished with that phone call. I was back to my old self, holding myself above the world. It was safer there, lonely, but safe.

I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to get back to where I was. Hadn't I made some progress today?

_Jesus Christ. Get a hold of yourself, Kinney._ I finished brushing my teeth as Justin recounted his newest art sale to Daphne.

"Oh, by the way, Brian says hey." He chuckled and I stuck my head out to see what he was laughing at.

"No, we aren't fucking right now! Daph, that's none of your business!" He turned from the phone, glancing at me with a grin.

"Daphne says 'hi'," he directed at me and then he was back to his conversation about art and her current career at college. I didn't even know what she was studying. I'm sure he had told me at some point or maybe she had but I had a hard time recalling details such as those when there were so many different memories that took precedence, like when Gus was born. Of course, I had been drunk as hell that night and drugged up to boot but that was also the night I had met Justin. How could one forget such a night? Two miracles in the span of a few hours. That didn't happen very often and it had never happened to me before then.

"Hey, you ready to go?" Justin appeared beside me, fully dressed as I snapped out of my own thoughts with a toothbrush still in my hand. I hadn't even left the bathroom. I smiled at him and followed him out into the room to grab our things and go. It was time to dive back into the shark tank.

xXx

A moment of weakness is what it had been. I had agreed to this ridiculous idea because I had a moment of weakness. I dropped a file onto Ted's desk without so much as a hello and slipped into my office.

"What the fuck was I thinking?" I grumbled as I looked through the rest of the papers in my hands. This idea wasn't going to work. I knew it the moment it had been brought up. I definitely couldn't agree to what he wanted.

"I have enough trouble with talking to you. So, coming up with what you were thinking is out of the question. Plus, if I'm on the right track you only ever think about two things, sex and money." My head snapped up at the light female voice that was directed at me. I hadn't realized there was anyone in here. Lindsey smiled, getting up from the chair she had been occupying when I'd walked in.

"Cynthia!" I called out, confused as hell as to why she hadn't told me that my lesbian counterpart was here. My secretary came running in, a bit out of breath considering all the running around she'd been doing this morning. Apparently I had taken a day off on a very busy day. Shit happens.

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me that I had a visitor?" I inquired in as polite a tone as I could muster at the moment. She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at me disapprovingly.

"I did, Mr. Kinney." She turned on her heel and walked out. Lindsey laughed as I stared after my employee in a bit of shock. Had she really told me? I shrugged and made my way to my desk to drop off the paper's I had been leafing through.

"Why the fuck are you here?" I practically fell into my chair, pressing my fingers to my temples, and staring at my guest with mild hostility. I was not in the mood to deal with a carpet muncher today, let alone one that could see right through me on my best days.

"Did Justin walk out again?" Well she certainly didn't waste any time. I leaned back, my expression cold but my thoughts were still swirling over my agreement to go to counseling.

"No." She quirked an eyebrow at me, clearly disbelieving my simple answer.

"Okay, okay, yes but that's not really the problem anymore. We got through that situation the same way we usually do." I glanced at my phone and cursed. Of course he would call while I had guests. I picked up the phone and flipped it open, glancing at Lindsey apologetically. She didn't seem to bothered by the intrusion. Of course, she knew I would never answer the phone in the middle of something if it wasn't Justin.

"Hey," was my simple greeting. I heard a small chuckle through the line.

"Hey, yourself," was his response, the hint of a smile in his words. What was he so happy about? A small spout of concern slipped in as I considered the possibilities before throwing the idea out all together. He wouldn't be calling me if he was with someone else. He was probably enjoying time with Mother Taylor or Deb or Emmett.

"Everything okay?" I inquired, just to be sure. I heard a loud giggle in the back round and everything clicked into place.

"Absolutely. I just thought I'd check in. Gus and I are enjoying his new train set in the loft with Mel. Is Lindsey there?" I smiled at the sound of my son babbling happily in the back round. That would explain the happiness in Justin's tone. Gus had a way of making life so much more interesting. If there was anything I loved in my life as much as Justin, it was my son.

"Yeah, just got here. She scared the crap out of me. I didn't know she was coming. When did they get in?" I heard Mel in the back round telling Gus to be careful. He was, no doubt, enjoying the open space of the loft.

"A few hours ago. Hey, I gotta go. I'm going to take Gus to the park. We'll chat tonight, yeah? I want to make an appointment for next week sometime, okay?" Justin had lowered his voice considerably as he spoke of his desire to get us in counseling. I sighed softly, unable to get the words out, to explain, that I didn't want to go through with this. It had to have been a moment of weakness.

"Okay, we'll chat later." I agreed quietly, unable to say no to him. _He_ was my moment of weakness. I just couldn't refuse him.

"Okay. Love you." He had returned to a normal tone.

"I love you, too. Bye." I flipped the phone shut and turned it on silent for the remainder of my time with Lindsey. I looked up at her and she was grinning. I hated when she got like that. It was like she had just witnessed a miracle or something.

"Don't say a word." I warned, my expression serious. I'd kick her out of here in a heartbeat if she said anything about my conversation with Justin. She tried to lose the grin but it didn't work. At least she seemed to be keeping her thoughts to herself.

"I'm sorry I surprised you. We didn't really plan on being here but something came up and we couldn't be in town without stopping by." That didn't quite sound like Lindsey and, hell, if she wanted to see me, she could have waited until I got home so I could see my son. There was something she wasn't telling me.

"Linds..." I trailed off, silently telling her I knew what she was up to and that she should just spill. I didn't like beating around the bush.

"Okay, okay, so I was wondering if you and Justin could watch over Gus for a few days. We already dropped JR off at Michael and Ben's. Of course, Michael was all gung ho about having his daughter for a few days. You know how he is." She chuckled. I knew Justin would love to have Gus around for a few days, even with the damper it would have on our sex life. I would love to have Gus here as well but with the conversation Justin and I had to have tonight I was hesitant.

"Sure. I can take him. When will the two of you be back and where exactly are you going that you suddenly need us?" I was actually fairly curious as to where they needed to go so unexpectedly that Gus and JR needed to be watched over. There were very few things that Mel and Linds didn't bring Gus and JR to.

"Mel has to check into the hospital for some testing and we decided it would be best not to subject Gus and JR to any unnecessary stress. You know how hospitals can get and, well, we aren't sure how the tests are going to go. At least, once we know, we can prepare to tell them in a calm and logical manner." I wasn't a big fan of Mel, at least, she wasn't a big fan of me thus making me wary of her most of the time but if there was something wrong that could affect my kid... well, that made me, in turn, worried about Mel.

"What happened? What is the testing for?" I studied my life long friend, noticing, in that moment, that she looked burdened and stressed. More so than usual anyway. She looked like she hadn't slept in weeks. I sighed. That couldn't be good.

"About three weeks ago Mel went in for testing because she found a lump in one of her breasts. I didn't even know she went until she got the test results and told me that the doctor felt she needed further testing. They think she might have breast cancer." The tears in Lindsey's eyes told me that this was legitimately serious. They weren't just guessing or trying to prove she didn't have it. This could be a serious risk. This connection Mel and I were suddenly sharing created a small amount of sympathy for the woman I had never gotten along with. I had gone through my fair share of chemotherapy. I knew how tough it was.

"I'm so sorry, Linds. You know Justin and I will support both of you however we can." I reached over to her, taking her hand in mine and squeezing gently. Suddenly she threw herself into my arms, her tears spilling over and soaking my suit jacket. I stiffened for a moment but gave in quickly, knowing she needed this kind of support. I wrapped my arms around her and held her to me as she sobbed.

"I-I-I can't l-lose her, Brian. What w-would I d-d-do without her? And JR and Gus... w-what would I tell them?" I grabbed a kleenex from my desk and pressed it gently into her hand, rocking her gently the way I would for Gus if he was upset. It took about ten minutes for her to pull herself together again and move back to her own seat. I sighed and glanced at my phone. Justin needed to know this just as much as I did and they obviously hadn't told him yet.

"Did you tell Michael?" I inquired quietly. My desk phone rang silently, the red light blinking at me telling me it was Cynthia. I let it ring, keeping my attention on Lindsey.

"I just... I tried but I didn't want him to freak out with JR around. I knew, even if I told you, that you'd be okay around Gus but Michael... He wouldn't be okay and I wanted to make sure JR was in good hands while we were gone." That actually made perfect sense. Michael had a tendency to overreact to news like this. My desk phone lit up again and Lindsey motioned for me to answer it. I sighed but picked up the phone.

"What did you need, Cynthia?" I inquired, my tone exhausted. The past few days truly had been taxing. There was way too much going on.

"Finally. I've called you twice already. I'm sorry to be bothering you but you have a visitor that insists on seeing you immediately." She sounded extremely annoyed. Usually Cynthia was very good at keeping people out that didn't have an appointment or those that weren't clients. Something must be different with this one if she was calling me about it.

"Alright, I'll be right there. Get them some coffee or something. Maybe they'll stop pestering you then." She chuckled humorlessly and hung up. I placed the phone back in it's holder and stood.

"You should get back to Mel and Gus. Once I deal with this I'll meet you at the loft for lunch, okay?" She nodded and smiled gratefully, following me out into the office towards the front desk. I gave her a quick hug and then she was gone. I turned to Cynthia and she smiled, tight lipped. She did not look pleased.

"Over there, Mr. Kinney." She pointed over to a man studying one of the paintings on the wall that Justin had painted. I didn't even know this guy so what the hell did he want?

"Mr. Beine." She called and the man turned around with a small smile. He was dressed in Armani which gave him the appearance of wealth. He was overweight and starting to bald but he carried himself proudly. He didn't seem impatient but one could never be sure about outward appearances. He strode forward with an outstretched hand.

"Mr. Kinney! I have heard so much about you! I just had to come in and meet you myself!" Who the hell was this guy? I smiled and shook his hand, putting on my best business face.

"What can I do for Mr. Beine?" A flicker of caution appeared as he looked around the office before he focused on me once more.

"May we speak somewhere more private?" I kept my expression neutral. My best bet was to play dumb until he presented his cards.

"Of course. Right this way." I glanced at Cynthia and she nodded surreptitiously. She would keep an eye on this impromptu meeting. I couldn't be too careful, that was for sure, and something about this man made me want to tread very carefully.

"Please, take a seat." I motioned for him to grab a chair as I shut the door to the conference room. I watched as he sat at the head of the table with confidence. This man had no qualms doing as he pleased. It was obvious he was used to being the top dog in every situation.

"Now, what can I do for you, Mr. Beine?" Cynthia knocked and I waved her in.

"My apologies for the interruption, Mr. Kinney. Here is the coffee you asked for." She set it down in front of me and exited the room. I hadn't asked for coffee but it was Cynthia's way of keeping tabs on me. I took a sip of the hot liquid and watched my guest, waiting for him to speak.

**Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Review and let me know. :)**

**peace & grace.  
**


	3. Manners

**Disclaimer:** **I do not own Queer as Folk. No copyright intended.**

The next installment of Someday He'll Come Along! :) I really am loving writing this! I hope you enjoy reading it just as much.**  
**

**Chapter 3:**** Manners**

Brian walked in about an hour after Lindsey did and he did not look pleased. I picked up Gus and brought him over to his father.

"Daddy!" He yelled, trying to wriggle out of my arms to reach Brian. He looked up and smiled at the both of us before taking Gus from me and kissing me gently on the lips.

"Hey, Sonny boy!" He kissed Gus on the forehead as he made his way over to Mel and Lindsey on the couch. The two had been wrapped in each others arms since they had gotten here, only parting when Lindsey had gone to see Brian at work. Something was obviously up but I wasn't going to butt in just yet. I would hear about it soon enough.

"Are you ready for lunch?" Brian asked Gus, posing the question to the rest of the room as well. Gus was happy to answer for all of us with a resounding yes. Brian set his son down and sat down with the couple on the couch.

"How are you doing, Mel?" She seemed surprised by his kind tone. Honestly, I was surprised to hear it as well. She didn't moved from her spot next to Lindsey but after a moment she smiled at Brian.

"I've been better. Thanks for asking though." Brian nodded, unsurprised by the admission and then stood, making his way towards me.

"Can I help with lunch?" He inquired. I smiled and nodded. Of course he could help. He didn't usually offer which made me even more curious to know what had happened.

"What did you want for lunch, Sonny boy?" Gus, of course, chose chicken nuggets while the rest of us decided on something a bit healthier, turkey sandwiches. Brian worked beside me quietly, obviously reflecting as we worked. I bumped him gently with my hip and smiled up at him. He smiled back.

"Everything okay?" I whispered. He shook his head no but didn't explain, glancing over at Mel and Linds. I knew he would tell me once they left but my curiosity was only getting worse. My concern was also starting to flare considering how serious he was at the moment. Brian didn't do serious when around his friends, not unless something was very wrong.

"There was a man that stopped by today. His name was Mr. Beine. Does his name sound familiar?" I glanced up at him, puzzled. The name was familiar, from New York. Why was Arthur in Pittsburgh?

"Yeah, he owns a few art galleries in New York. What is he doing in Pittsburgh?" I watched as Brian plated a few of the sandwiches, placing them on the bar before leaning back against the counter.

"He wanted me to help with an advertising campaign for his galleries. He also told me that he wanted to meet the man that had stolen one of the greatest artists he had ever seen, right from under his nose. He told me that all you ever did was talk about me while you were in New York, about how I was your muse, your inspiration." I smiled and nodded. This was true. Brian was one of my biggest inspirations and my art wouldn't have gotten very far if it weren't for him. I still didn't understand why this was so important to tell me though or why Mr. Beine had to travel all this way to tell Brian that.

Arthur rarely traveled just to talk to someone. He rarely met with people personally, usually choosing to send his lower employees instead. He was an extremely rich man and as such had the ability to work and make money without actually lifting a finger.

"He's right about my inspiration. You _are_ my inspiration, have been ever since I met you but it's definitely not in Arthur's nature to travel all this way just to personally speak to someone. He must have been very curious about you." Brian nodded, his expression clouding over for a moment.

"What's wrong?" I didn't see why there was any reason to be upset. Brian sighed, slipping his arms around my waist and pulling me to him.

"He also made it very clear that if I ever hurt you, or your art, which apparently makes him a lot of money, that he would see to it personally that my life became a living hell. He sounded a bit like a parent, like your dad should have been if he hadn't turned out to be such a prick. It was actually fairly intimidating, like Mother Taylor but far more powerful." He chuckled and let me go to grab the plates and sit down with the girls. I smiled. This was also true. Arthur had taken me under his wing when I had arrived in New York and after two years had confided in me that he considered me to be the son he had never had.

I still worked for him but we had a connection my father and I had never shared. That last bit he had told Brian better explained the reason for his visit. Arthur was fiercely protective of me and had told me he would check in on me randomly when he could. I chuckled quietly as I walked over to the table with the others and helped Gus work on his chicken nuggets while the others chatted about unimportant details of the day.

It wasn't the happiest gathering but I couldn't complain. I had Brian with me and seeing Gus was a treat in and of itself.

xXx

I had left to go back to work not long after Mel and Linds had left to check into the hospital for testing. I didn't get much work done once I got back, worried about Gus, the counseling, and Mel. I met with a few clients, new and old, to hash through another day of advertising before heading out for take out. I called Justin to let him know that he didn't need to cook. He informed me that he had already started cooking and that Gus did not need take out since it wasn't very healthy.

I laughed at the parent-like quality in Justin's voice. He was looking out for Gus the same way Mel and Lindsey did. For some reason his protectiveness of my son was endearing to me.

"I am going to feed Gus now, just so you know, and then we are going to chat about counseling. We can call the counselors office tomorrow. Okay?" I sighed, my happiness fading. We were back to the counseling. I knew why I had to do this but that didn't make me anymore enthusiastic about it.

"Okay. I'll see you soon." I hung up, turning up the music in the 'vette to drown out my thoughts. I needed to be okay with this. I really did if only to make this work. I couldn't lose him. I felt my hands gripping the steering wheel to tight as I drove without really watching where I was going. For all the times I had driven home drunk or on drugs, this was definitely just as dangerous. I shook my head, the image of Gus in my mind forcing me to focus on the road. There was a possibility now of Gus losing one mother. He didn't need to lose his father on top of that.

"Daddy!" Gus ran at me, colliding with my legs as he hugged me. I chuckled and picked him up.

"Hey, Sonny boy. How was dinner?" I inquired, smiling at Justin before I set down my wriggling son. He always had so much energy.

"Yummy!" was his response. I ruffled his hair and walked over to Justin to hug him before I went to change out of my work clothes. Being in them any longer than I had to be was not an option. I could smell dinner, a garlicky, Italian smell that wafted through the loft. It smelled fantastic, as was normal when Justin cooked.

"Hey, baby, how was the rest of your day?" I felt a strong pair of hands knead my shoulders and a soft pair of lips kiss the back of my neck. I really did love coming home to find him here. It was like a surprise gift every time, especially after being devoid of that gift for two years.

"It dragged on fairly slowly until I got here. Did you want to chat over dinner?" I felt him nod against my back and then there was another featherlight kiss on my neck before he disappeared to serve dinner. I threw on something comfortable yet classy and made my way to the table. I was glad to discover that Gus was watching a movie so we could talk without any interruptions.

"It smells fantastic in here," I commented quietly and Justin grinned. He really did love when I recognized his work. After all the shit I had caused, compliments were like gold. As we sat down I felt my nerves building up without my permission. I wanted to be comfortable in this conversation but I wasn't sure it was possible. Justin set down his fork, getting ready for our talk.

"I know this is hard for you. I know it doesn't make sense to talk to someone you barely know but this could be a great thing. It could help you learn to trust again. It could help us learn to trust each other. I don't want to lose you, Brian." I didn't want to lose him either. I agreed with his logic but I wasn't sure that I could follow it in real life. I was too closed off to the world, too willing to doubt the sincerity of those around me.

"It's easier said than done, Sunshine. I know how I feel about you. I know I love you but how can I trust someone else with that? I stand by what I said earlier though. I will try this. I want us to work. I couldn't live without you. I wouldn't survive being away from you again." I kept it short but honest. I needed him to know how I felt without getting too caught up in it. I didn't want to shut him out.

"Tomorrow then? Are you coming home for lunch? I can call then and we can do this together." I nodded and smiled at my Sunshine. I would do this for him, no matter how set I was against it. If it had the possibility of helping, I could try.

xXx

"Yes, hello. My name is Justin Taylor and I'd like to make an appointment." My grip on the phone was growing painful at this point but I was far too stressed out to care. I had thought this was a good idea at the time but what if it only made everything worse?

"Please hold, Mr. Taylor." I wanted to smash the phone on the ground and just give up but it really wasn't an option at this point. Hell, they had put me on hold at least five times since I'd picked up the phone so it couldn't be that much longer of a wait. I accepted a kiss on the cheek from Brian as he passed by to change out of his work attire and then the phone was ringing again. I waited expectantly, hoping that this would be the doctor.

"Mr. Taylor?" A strong female voice spoke through the line. I truly was going to give up this time if they put me on hold again.

"This is." I responded. My tone was somewhat frustrated but I had every right to be after spending the past half an hour on my cell.

"Good afternoon. My name is Dr. Leah Halsten. I'm sorry it took so long for you to be patched through. I'll give you my direct number after this so you don't have to go through all the red tape next time. What can I do for you?" I sighed in relief and sat down with a huff.

"I would like to make an appointment. Possibly two now that I think of it. I don't want my boyfriend to go through all that red tape later. Can I make an appointment for him as well?" I held my breath as she considered my words.

"I can't agree to that, Mr. Taylor. I can't be a counselor to you both. It would be a conflict of interest. I can, however, patch you through to another one of the counselors here who is just as qualified as I am and she can take your boyfriend as a patient. Is he with you?" I tilted my head back, searching for Brian and finding him walking towards me at that moment. I smiled and focused back on the call.

"Yeah, he's right here." I patted the couch beside me and Brian plopped down next to me, throwing one arm around my shoulder and giving me a real kiss as Dr. Halsten continued speaking. I had definitely made the right choice in having Michael and Ben take care of Gus for a few hours since it seemed Brian would be sticking around for the afternoon.

"Okay, Mr. Taylor. When did you want to come in?" I pushed Brian away so I could respond to the woman on the other end.

"Well, I have an open schedule. I work on my own time, so let's say Tuesdays at 1pm?" I listened as she flipped through a few pages and scribbled something down.

"Alright. I have an open hour at that time. Our initial session will be more like a consultation and if you decide you would like to find a different therapist to suit your needs than you can simply tell me and we will part ways then. Does that work for you?" Brian turned suddenly and placed his head in my lap, stretching out on the couch as I spoke.

"That would be fine, Dr. Halsten." I ran my fingers through his hair as his eyelids fluttered closed. He looked so peaceful if just for the moment. I smiled for no real reason as I watched him start to relax after his morning at Kinnetik.

"You can call me Leah, Mr. Taylor." She corrected gently.

"Okay, then please, call me Justin. That Mr. Taylor stuff makes me feel way older than I am." She chuckled and agreed before telling me to have a good day and sending me over to her coworker. The phone began to ring.

"Brian, hey, pay attention. This is for you to make an appointment." He glanced up at me lazily as I placed the phone against his ear. He took it from me after a moment and sat up with a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose with his elbows on his knees. It was obvious that this was a stressful choice for him but if it worked, maybe he could be whole again. Maybe there would be peace after all the shit he'd been through. Maybe there would be peace for the both of us.

"Yes, hello, my name is Brian Kinney." I watched as he leaned back, glancing over at me with a small smile. I lowered myself into his lap, just the same as he had done to me, and relaxed as I stretched out on the couch. I could feel his long fingers brushing gently through my hair as I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch.

"I would like to make an appointment." I smiled at those simple words. He really was going to try to help himself, to work for us, to open himself to the past and try to move beyond it. It only strengthened the hopefulness I was feeling in that moment.

"I work from nine to five most days but I could come once a week before I have to be at work. I run my own company so I doubt it would be hard to change my schedule around by an hour or so every Thursday. They tend to be the slowest days anyway." His hand slowed down slightly, running gently through my hair with even strokes. He was going to put me to sleep at this rate.

"Yes, I understand. Well, it was nice talking to you, Marie. I'll see you Thursday." I could hear, faintly, her parting words.

"Thanks. Goodbye," was Brian's quick response. My phone clicked shut and Brian slid it back into my pocket before kissing me thoroughly from my position in his lap. I groaned, wrapping an arm around his neck as he lifted me up and pulled me closer to him. I threw one of my legs over his and straddled his lap with a satisfied grin. He groaned quietly, tightening his grip around my back and pressing us closer together. I circled my hips slowly against his hardening cock as he held my lips to his. He never failed to turn me on in an instant. All it took was a simple look or touch and I was begging him for more. It was nice to see I had the same effect on him.

"I made lunch." I panted, not really thinking we would actually eat it at this point. At least, we wouldn't get to lunch until he'd thoroughly fucked me a few times.

"Fuck lunch." He growled in my ear before getting up off the couch with me firmly wrapped around his waist and carrying me into the bedroom where the best part of the afternoon was just about to begin.

xXx

My alarm clock had gone off over half an hour ago but I still couldn't quite bring myself to let go of the sleeping blond in bed with me. I tightened my grip, pressing my lips to his forehead as he stirred slightly before slipping back into stone cold unconsciousness. He would sleep for days if I'd let him.

"Justin." I called to him softly, pressing my lips to his in an effort to get him to wake up.

"Sunshine..." My tone was practically sing-song which had him stirring. I glanced over at the guest bedroom, listening for any movement from Gus. It was still silent, much to my relief. I pressed my lips to Justin's again and smiled as he suddenly pounced onto me, running his hands down my sides and following with his mouth, leaving open wet kisses down my torso. I pulled him up before he could get to his intended goal, not that I didn't want him to reach it, but we had places to be and a toddler in the vicinity.

"We don't have time for that... Now get your perky little butt in the shower." I ordered, slapping him lightly on the ass and watching as he walked, still sleepy eyed, into the bathroom. It didn't take long for me to follow suit, locking the door behind me, stepping in, and wrapping my arms around him once more. He leaned his head back, kissing me with a fervor I wasn't expecting. I sucked in a breath as he pressed back against my already aroused groin.

"Not helping." I noted, pushing him none too gently up against the glass surrounding the shower. I could feel the water trickling down my body as he continued to grind against me, his moans only egging me on.

"Fuck me... Brian... please." He begged and I was only too willing to do as he asked. I leaned forward, kissing him thoroughly and running my hands down his back, as he continued his breathy begging.

"As you wish, Sunshine. Always as you wish."

xXx

Once we were out of the shower, Gus woke up, rubbing his small fists over his eyes. Brian had to move rather quickly to get to Kinnetik on time, though he stopped to greet his son and hug him. I moved rather slowly, preparing to have breakfast with my mother. He had promised to tell me about Melanie and Lindsey over dinner tonight. I really wanted things to be okay but his expression told me that I wasn't going to like what he had to tell me.

I watched as he chugged down a mug of coffee and then filled it up again while I pulled out something presentable to wear. I wasn't fond of looking like a complete slob when I left the house. It was bad enough I was a complete mess in Brian's loft, though I had gotten better the longer I'd lived with him. He made sure to scold me if I didn't clean up once in a while.

"Enjoy your breakfast out with Mother Taylor." Brian whispered before kissing me hard on the lips and rushing out the door. I sighed, feeling a sudden emptiness at his departure. It was lonely when Brian wasn't around to talk to or spend time with, though, for the time being, I had Gus.

I don't think we would have been happy spending all our time together but I didn't have much else to do and there was my problem. I had a steady job but it was one that had me extremely busy for weeks at a time and then bored out of my mind for weeks at a time. The art world seemed intent upon getting all it's work done during certain times of the year which was unfortunate for someone like me who needed something else to do with my time when I wasn't painting.

"Jus'n?" Gus called to me from his train set. I threw on my shoes quickly and made my way over to him.

"Hey, Gus, are you ready to go?" I kneeled down next to him and he put down the train set with an excited hop in my direction so I could get his sweater on him before helping him with his shoes. We were going to be late at this point, though I was sure my mother was used to me being late. It was like a trademark of mine.

"Where are we going?" He looked up at me, obviously exited to be leaving for a few hours. I chuckled and scooped him up into my arms. He was definitely too old to be picked up at this point but I couldn't help it. He would be turning seven soon and I was pretty sure he wouldn't be as welcoming to being picked up as more time passed. I had to get my time in now, especially after two years of missing out.

"I wanna walk." He stated as soon as we got out of the building. I should have seen that coming. I sighed but set him down, keeping his hand in mine so he didn't run off. His mothers would kill me if anything happened to him, not that I would _let_ anything happen. I loved Gus and he was an important part of my life, just like Mel and Linds. The worry began to creep back in as my thoughts swirled around the two of them and the family they had worked so hard to create.

"Jus'n? Where are we going?" I smiled down at the seven year old that was clinging to my hand. He looked like he was ready to go for a run. I had figured a walk would be good and the diner wasn't that far away so it wouldn't be too hard to get there. Hopefully, it would wear out some of Gus's boundless energy. At 23 years old, I wasn't exactly spritely anymore. At least, it wasn't easy to keep up with a seven year old. They had more energy then the energizer bunny.

"We're going to see my mom. Do you remember Auntie Jen?" Gus had so many relatives that weren't really relatives that I wasn't sure how he kept up with them all but he smiled up at me.

"I 'member," he stated in a matter-of-fact tone. I chuckled at the tone. He was so much like his father it was scary at times. As we came in sight of the diner Gus skipped forward, practically tugging me along with him. I thought about asking him to slow down but he looked so excited to be running around that I decided instead to join him and our last leg of our trip to the diner was done with Gus and I jogging.

As soon as we entered the diner, he seemed to calm down without a problem where as I had to catch my breath a bit before I could greet my mother properly. I hugged her while Deb scooped Gus up into her arms.

"Gus, honey! Did you miss your Auntie Deb?" Gus laughed as she tickled him and then kissed him on the cheek, leaving a lipstick stain. She chuckled and wiped it off before setting him down to hug me.

"How are you doin', Sunshine?" She inquired, her tone having changed drastically from her light tone with Gus. She gazed at me, waiting for an honest answer. I sighed and forced a smile. Brian would not be pleased if I told anyone about our decision to go to counseling. He had a reputation to upkeep of course.

"Better, Deb. We are working on things." That was honest enough. She watched me skeptically for a moment longer before nodding in acceptance and looking around the diner at her waiting patrons. They were getting impatient, though she obviously enjoyed it.

"Hold your horses, would ya? I'll get your food to ya when I'm good and ready. If you don't like it, go eat somewhere else!" She shouted before winking at Gus and making her way to the counter.

"Alright, Gus, time to sit down to eat." I had already given him some cereal in the morning so he wouldn't be eating a full meal at the diner but he could pick something to snack on if he wanted.

"We haven't done this in quite some time." My mother noted, a tinge of sadness in her voice as she watched me interact with Gus. It was true. We hadn't seen each other in over a month but we had both been busy. She had been caught up in her job, her fiance, and Molly while I had just finished up an art show recently that had taken up the majority of my time for the past few weeks so I suppose it made sense that our meeting was long overdue.

"Well, we've been busy. How's the family?" I inquired, mostly wanting to know about Molly and reluctant to hear about the fiance. I had managed to accept him about a year into their relationship but that didn't mean I had grown to like it. Maybe it had been easier when I was in New York and didn't have to see him but I suppose, since they were getting married soon, that I would have to get over it sooner or later. Most likely it would be later.

Her look exuded disapproval, well aware of my feelings on the topic.

"We are doing well. The wedding planning is stressful to say the least but Emmett has been pure gold through all of it. I don't know what I'd do without him. Molly is flourishing in school. She keeps asking about you though. She misses you, Justin." I smiled fondly at the mention of my sister. She was a pain in the ass but I still loved her and missed her as well.

"Well, I'm pretty open for the next few weeks. Would she be up to spending some time together over the weekend?" My mother smiled but shook her head.

"You'd have to ask her. I can't make plans for her anymore. She's getting older, just like you. A grown adult..." I could see the memories in her eyes, the nostalgia for when we were little and life was simpler. My life had been a cake walk before my father had found out about my being gay.

"What can I get you guys?" Deb asked, looking between the three of us. My mother glanced at her menu and then closed it.

"I'll take a coffee, black, and an omelette with cheddar cheese. Thanks, Deb." She handed over her menu as Deb turned to look at me.

"And for you, Sunshine?" I didn't need to look at my menu. I'd worked here long enough to know what I would eat.

"Coffee as well, though I'll take cream and sugar, and a stack of pancakes." She scribbled that down with a smile. She really didn't need us to tell her our orders anymore. She had them memorized but we did spend a lot of time here so that made sense.

"Gus, honey? What would you like?" She leaned forward a bit, smiling at him.

"Pancakes! Like Jus'n!" He looked over at me, grinning as Deb scribbled his order down and then left us to our conversation.

"He adores you, you know." My mother noted quietly, watching Gus play with the crayons and paper.

"And I adore him." She looked up at me and smiled.

"I can tell. So what happened that Melanie and Lindsey had to leave Gus with you and Brian for a few days so unexpectedly?" If I knew I would have told her but I didn't even know yet so that was out of the question.

"I'm not sure. Brian said we'd talk about it when he got home tonight but whatever it is, it's not good. I've never seen Brian so serious about something. I'm worried that something's really wrong for the two of them. Plus, Brian was actually civil to Mel the other night. It's gotta be something big if they are treating each other like human beings. It was definitely out of character." She looked just as surprised as I felt about it. Mel and Brian had never gotten along and I was sure they never would but the other night had been like stepping into the Twilight Zone.

"Wow. Well I hope everything turns out alright. I would hate for something to happen." She glanced over at Gus and I frowned. I agreed with her. What happened to Gus and JR if something really was wrong?

"Well, I'm glad you're spending time with Gus. So, tell me, how did the art show go this month?" I grinned, more than happy to explain how things went with my art. It was the one thing that never really let me down.

xXx

"Hey, Sonny Boy! What'd you think about going to the zoo tomorrow?" I asked with a grin as my son ran up to me with his train set in hand. I could see Justin in the corner of my eye cooking dinner. He blew a kiss my way but didn't stop his preparations for dinner.

"Are you going too, Daddy?" I chuckled as he watched me hopefully. How could I turn down that face?

"Of course I am." He grinned, putting one hand on each side of my face.

"Good. Jus'n! We're gunna go to the zoo! You gotta come too!" I let him down from my arms and he ran over to Justin, train set still in hand. He did love his toys. I changed quickly, listening as Justin and Gus talked animatedly about the zoo and how exciting it would be. I shook my head with a chuckle. My lover could be just as childish as my son was sometimes.

"Time for dinner!" Justin called to me.

"Hey, Gus. Go get your Daddy so we can eat, okay?" I chuckled at his obvious attempt to warn me that I'd better be dressed because my son was coming to get me. Gus ran up the steps and into my bedroom, hopping into the bed and jumping around before I grabbed him and set him down next to me in front of the closet.

"Beds are not for jumping. Especially not on that one." He frowned, glancing over at the bed but his frown didn't last long. Suddenly he tugged on my sleeve.

"Come on, Daddy. It's time for dinner! Jus'n says it's time to eat." I grabbed a shirt out of my closet, no longer particularly concerned with which one it was, and slipped it on before picking up Gus and heading towards the kitchen.

"Do we always do what Justin says, Buddy?" Justin chuckled, watching my son and I from his place at the table.

"Yep." Was Gus's reply. I had to laugh at that. He really did love hanging around my Sunshine.

"I agree." I responded just as seriously, setting Gus down in his seat and taking my place at the table. I watched as Gus dug in right away, not bothering to pay attention to Justin and I. The food seemed to be much more important. I looked up at Justin and smiled. He had been watching me. I reached across the table, taking his hand in mine.

"My apologies for being late to dinner. Gus was busy jumping on the bed." I tried to keep my expression serious as I blamed Gus for my lateness but it was impossible and my sentence was ended with a grin.

"I love you," was Justin's simple reply before he picked up his fork and took a bite of whatever he had made.

"What is this exactly?" I focused on what was in front of me. It wasn't anything he had made before, though Justin tended to experiment when he got the chance. He liked to surprise me with different things. Usually they tasted good but every once in a while there were flops.

_"Okay, open up but keep your eye closed." I opened my mouth hesitantly, not sure what I was about to eat. I didn't understand why he wouldn't just let me see what I was about to eat. A fork was placed gently in my mouth with something on the end._

_ "Okay. Now close your mouth and chew." He ordered. I closed my lips around the utensil and he slid the fork out, waiting for my reaction. I chewed slowly, letting the taste rest on my tongue. It tasted like tofu but there was more to it, a flavor I didn't recognize._

_ "That's really good. Tofu, rice, and... some kind of sauce. What is that?" I wanted to open my eyes and just look but I knew Justin wouldn't have appreciated it much if I cheated. Plus, after the past few days of arguments, I had some making up to do. Doing as he asked was a good step to take._

_ "Tofu with butter chicken indian sauce. Okay next item. Ready?" I smiled and opened my mouth once more. The same process was repeated and I closed my mouth, chewing slowly. This was not tofu. It was some kind of vegetable. I wrinkled my nose. It had an almost bitter taste to it which wasn't something I particularly enjoyed._

_ "Yeah... I wasn't sure about that one either. Not so good?" He inquired. I shook my head no and swallowed quickly. I felt a glass of wine being pressed into my hand. This was getting more ridiculously __romantic by the second. I had already walked in to find candles all over the place and now he was giving me wine. Why I allowed this, I'd never know. I sipped at it the alcohol, glad to get the odd vegetable taste out of my mouth so we could move on to whatever else he had made._

_ "Last one. A dessert I made. Ready?" This I was, most likely going to love. Justin had a way with decadence and chocolate that would make anyone melt into his hands in an instant. Not that he needed dessert to do that to me. I could already taste the chocolate as he placed the fork in my mouth. I chewed slowly getting a mixture of chocolate, graham cracker, and a hint of orange. It was like a small piece of heaven. I could feel my eyes roll into the back of my head. My god he was good with chocolate and, no matter how hard I tried not to eat it, it was near impossible to refuse something so good._

_ "You know... it is very hard to concentrate on feeding you when it would be so easy to just..." Justin trailed off, his sentence left hanging and then a soft pair of familiar lips met mine. I reached up and held him to me, deepening the kiss. I had missed this through all the fighting._

_ "You taste... like chocolate." He managed to get out in between kisses. I hmmed in response as he straddled me, his hands wandering down my torso slowly, tortuously. Chocolate and Justin were the perfect combination._

"Earth to Brian. Did you hear me?" I blinked as a hand waved in front of my face. Well that was a pleasant memory, though the days leading up to it had been some of the worst Justin and I had ever gone through.

"Sorry. What did you say?" I inquired. Gus looked up, done with his food already.

"I'm done!" He interjected before hopping down from his chair. Justin turned his attention from me. I hadn't even started eating yet and my son had scarfed down his entire plate of food.

"Gus, what did we talk about yesterday?" Justin looked completely serious as Gus sighed, his shoulders slumping just a bit.

"May I be 'xcused, please?" He looked over at me, assuming I was the one to ask. I looked over at Justin and he motion for me to answer my son. I smiled at Gus.

"Of course, Sonny Boy. We'll be done in a little bit."

"Thanks, Daddy." I watched as he hopped off to the bag of toys his mother's had brought along with them for his stay here.

"Did you teach him that?" I inquired, turning back to my lover. Justin smiled, taking a bite of his food before responding.

"Well, Lindsey and Mel and have been trying to teach him for a while. I'm just helping him along in remembering to be polite." Well that was interesting, though not unwelcome.

"So what did you say this was?" Justin chuckled, amused with my air headed moment.

"I said, it's eggplant and chickpea curry. You must have been really out of it. What were you thinking about?" Well that was a question I was not about to answer plus I still needed to talk to him about Mel. That was far more important than my trip down memory lane.

"It's not that important. I do want to talk to you about Melanie and Lindsey. See, the reason the dropped Gus off for a few day is because they had to check in for testing at the hospital and they didn't want to subject Gus and JR to that for the next few days." I took a deep breath. This was going to be harder than I thought. Justin was closer to Mel than I had ever been or, probably, ever would be. How would he take this?

"Testing? What kind of testing?" He inquired, the worry obvious in his expression.

"Well, the doctors think Mel may have breast cancer and they need to do further testing but it doesn't look good. Lindsey was pretty upset the other day when she told me. Things are tough for them right now." Justin glanced over at Gus, the worry increasing.

"But... but Gus... and JR..." He looked back at me, worried, just as I was, for my son and JR. What would they do without their two moms?

**Review and let me know how you feel! :)**

**peace & grace.  
**


	4. Free Your Mind

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Queer as Folk. No copyright infringement intended.**

Lots of Brian here but that makes sense considering what goes on in the chapter. :) I gave it my all and am hoping that I did him justice. Enjoy!

**Chapter 4:**** Free Your Mind**

After a short but serious conversation about Melanie, Brian and I decided that it wasn't something we wanted to dwell on and instead we ended up spending some quality time with Gus before putting him to bed and spending some quiet time together. We were in the stages of post fight calm that always led to more partying and drinking on Brian's part after about a week of nicety. I really hoped that didn't happen this time. He had counseling in two days and I wanted to think that it might keep us from the mess that usually followed this kind of calm.

"I love you." Brian whispered quietly in my ear and I smiled. That was an unusual sentiment for Brian to express and I loved it every time he did. I wondered if Mel's current predicament was what brought on this sudden sentimentality and immediately felt a wave of sadness at what she must be going through now.

"I love you, too." I replied, forcing the sadness away as I lay in my lovers arms. We very rarely spent time cuddling but when we did it was a quiet affair with soft touches. It was welcoming to me and helped heal the pain of separation that we had both endured when I had been in New York.

"Are we really going to the zoo tomorrow? I inquired quietly, not wanting to wake up Gus. I felt a soft kiss being planted on my neck which sent shivers down my spine and I grinned. His touch was like fire, warm and electrifying. I would never get enough of it and it only made me more certain of my love for him. We were struggling, that was true, but that didn't mean I could survive without him.

"Yes, Sunshine, we really are. Did you want to come with us?" I turned in his arms, planting a quick kiss on those familiar lips as I settled down facing him.

"Of course. I'm pretty sure Gus thinks we are all going anyway and I'm not doing anything tomorrow." I rested my head on his chest, listening to the slow beat of his heart, letting the feel of his touch seep through me.

"Good. Gus really does love spending time with you. You are a role model to him." I detected a hint of pride in his statement and looked up to see him watching me with a solid happiness in his gaze. I blushed, betraying my embarrassment at being praised for something I hadn't meant to do. I loved Gus but I hadn't really done anything to make him look up to me. Brian seemed fully aware of my doubt as he continued speaking.

"He adores you, Justin. He wants to be just like you when he grows up." I hadn't really seen any of this but Brian seemed sure of it so I wasn't going to argue. I smiled, pressed my lips to his, and rested my head on his chest once more.

"Are you nervous for Thursday?" I inquired, curious but afraid of his response. Did he even want to talk about the dreaded day? The silence stretched on for what seemed like forever, though it was probably only a minute, as I watched Brian's expression change from completely open to more introspective and thoughtful. I was grateful not to see complete panic or anger but my nerves didn't lessen.

"I suppose so. I haven't really thought about it," He spoke quickly, barely glancing at me. I sighed. He was lying, that much was obvious. I couldn't tell though if he had been dwelling on it in fear, anger, or neutrality. I doubted he was happy about what he was about to do. How could he be after all I had learned about my lover in the years we'd been together. Brian Kinney didn't do shit like this, until now.

"Well, I'm pretty nervous for my appointment-" I didn't get to finish as Brian's cell phone lit up on the dresser, vibrating a few times. Someone was calling him. My body protested as he let me go to roll over and answer the call. I wished I could lay in his arms forever, warm and safe.

"Hello?" I watched as he slid back over to me, taking my hand in his. I squeezed gently but he frowned at whatever was being said on the other end of the phone.

"Lindsey? Is everything okay?" He inquired, glancing at me with a worried expression. I kissed him gently on the cheek and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Okay, well, Justin and I were going to take Gus to the zoo tomorrow. Did you want to meet us at Britin for dinner? You can stay there if you'd like. We have plenty of space and you can stay as long as you'd like." I lifted my head, wondering what had happened that Mel and Linds would be spending some time in Pittsburgh. I didn't know much about the testing that went along with cancer since I hadn't known about Brian's cancer until after he had gone through with the surgery. It was possible that they already had the test results but if they did, why would they stick around? I shoved that all out of my head for the moment to focus on Brian who had just hung up the phone.

"Is Mel...?" I couldn't even finish the question though there was no doubt about what I wanted to know. How could I think about anything else now? Brian laid back down, pulling me with him and holding me close as he pulled up the covers.

"They will get the results in a few days but they don't want to stay at the hospital so they are going to meet us for dinner tomorrow at Britin and probably stay there with Gus and JR for a few days. I made sure she knew that they could stay there as long as they needed to." He sighed, his soft breath ruffling my hair, before he kissed my neck gently and held me closer. I loved when he held me like this.

"Well, there is still hope right?" I inquired, wishing we knew for sure if Mel was healthy or not. I couldn't imagine the chaos if she really did have breast cancer.

"Of course, Sunshine. There is always hope." I smiled at the introspective tone in my lovers voice but didn't ask anymore questions. We were both exhausted and some much needed sleep was calling. I let myself relax in his arms, relishing the heat of his embrace as I drifted off into the darkness of my sub-conscious.

xXx

I awoke with a jolt as the alarm went off right next to my ear and I slammed my palm down on the machine with a groan of annoyance. _Stupid, fucking, alarm._ I grumbled halfheartedly as I dragged myself out of bed, glancing back at the sleeping blond that was stretched out, unfazed, on the other half of the bed. He was lucky he was able to sleep in after the day they had gone through yesterday. The zoo had been a great idea in Gus's eyes but Brian had forgotten just how rowdy his son could get. All that energy seemed to have no limits and they had practically ran around the entire zoo while his son ooo'd and ahhh'd at all the animals.

Justin, of course, had been just as animated, having brought along his sketch pad to take in the artistic wonders of the animals we had visited. It was always a treat to see him work on his art, the way he vanished into a whole new world was almost as fascinating to watch as it was to see him in the throws of passion. Both were wild and beautiful and had me more enraptured by my Sunshine everyday I spent with him. Why couldn't it be like that all the time?

_Oh, right, because I can't seem to figure my shit out._ I sighed and stepped away from the bed to get in the shower. I really didn't need to hang around staring at my blond lover like some love sick puppy. I had a counseling session to attend to in about an hour and a half. I grabbed a towel and made my way to the shower with a snort. Who was I kidding? No matter what, Justin had changed me. Ever since we met the changes had been irreversible. So why was I fighting so hard against it all of a sudden?

xXx

_"Brian! Earth to Brian!" My frustration boiled over as my head snapped up to glare at the unwelcome intruder._

_ "What the fuck do you want?" I snarled as Mikey took a step back in shock. I had just bitten his head off for no good reason and I honestly didn't give a fuck. I rubbed my temples slowly, hoping to relieve the major headache that was currently nesting above my right eye. I wanted to fucking destroy whatever crossed my path but at this point I had a business to run._

_ "Uh... I just asked if you got my message earlier?" I glared at him again, wishing I could just tell him to fuck off but I had gotten his message earlier and it wasn't exactly 'fuck off' news._

_ "Yeah, I did." I responded curtly, finally giving in to his presence. I was too tired for this shit._

_ "So... will you help me?" I took a long drink from my water bottle along with two ibuprofen in the hopes that it would help get rid of the migraine that was rooted in my skull. It was like I had someone swinging a hammer against one side of my skull. I winced and tried to look up at Mikey without giving away my painful situation._

_ "Yeah, Mikey. Can't it wait until tomorrow though? I have some really important shit I have to get done today. It's not like we can't get it all done tomorrow." I could see the disappointment and pity in his eyes which only served to bring back the anger. I didn't need his fucking pity. I was fine, happy, fucking joyful so why was __**everyone**__ I dealt with looking at me like I would crack at any second? I shoved the answer away and looked up at my best friend._

_ "Yeah, we can do it tomorrow. But that means we have to start early and work through the day. Can you get away from this place for that long?" The disappointment and pity were still strong in his expression and I wanted to smack him to make it go away. I growled in frustration, grumbling about his idiocy as I picked up a pen and made a show of writing down what he wanted from me._

_ "No fucking problem, Mikey. Now would you please go back to your pathetic professor and childish comic store so I can enjoy my day in peace?" The venom in my tone was unmistakable and I looked away from Mikey's very hurt expression. I wasn't usually __**this**__ mean to him and the professor but my head was still fucking pounding and I really needed him out of my office now._

_ "See you tomorrow, Brian." Was his quiet response as he left my office in a rush. The hurt hadn't left his eyes as I watched him leave. I sighed, suddenly regretful of my asshole attitude towards Mikey. He wasn't really the target of my hatred and frustration but to admit who was would only put me back where I didn't want to be, brokenhearted and fucking lonely as hell._

_ I could see the soft blond hair in my minds eye, his ever changing bright blue eyes, and that perfect smile for a moment before I squeezed my eyes shut to dispel the image. I could feel my heart twist in agony. I hadn't seen my Sunshine in six months, though we spoke on phone quite a bit for naughty and not so naughty activities. It just wasn't the same and every time we spoke I felt the pain of his absence more acutely._

_ I slammed my fist down on the desk, hoping to jump myself out of the spiraling thoughts. I wouldn't make it through the day if I continued down this dangerous path. I pulled open the bottom desk drawer and lifted out a large bottle of Jim Beam with a shot glass to go with it. I poured quickly, unwilling to dwell on my thoughts any longer. I couldn't function when I thought of him and at this point all I needed to do was function._

xXx

I knew that my time without Justin had been dark to say the least. I had drowned myself in liquor and whatever else could alter my mentality so that my own thoughts didn't drown me first. I couldn't handle the influx of painful emotions that came when Justin left. I had needed him more than I had thought and no matter how much I wanted him to succeed I knew that if I let myself dwell on missing him that I would end up asking him to come back home, ruining his chance at being a self-sufficient artist.

I propped myself up against the wall of the shower, letting the water run soothingly down my chest and back while I forced myself to recall that I was not actually in that dark past anymore. Justin was here with me, thank god. Yet, I continued to ruin what we had.

I straightened up suddenly, knowing that this line of thinking was not a good way to go when headed off to counseling. I didn't want to be some fucking lesbionic moron who couldn't hold himself together. I was Brian Kinney for fucks sake. I had more dignity then that.

xXx

I awoke to a dull ache in my legs and an empty bed as I stretched out to relieve my sore muscles. Running around the zoo all day yesterday had been fun but I obviously needed to keep in better shape because I was sore as hell.

I glanced over at Brian's side of the bed and reached over to pick on the folded piece of paper left for me on his pillow.

_Went to counseling, then to work. Will be back for dinner. Love you, B._ My heart leapt in my chest as I considered Brian's appointment today. I glanced at the clock. He would be arriving around this time to the counseling center. I could only imagine what he was thinking about in this moment. Did he hate my guts for making us do this or was he devoid of any feeling on the subject at all?

I forced myself not to dwell on it as I got out of bed and made my way to the shower. I didn't have that much to do today but I did have plans to meet Emmett for lunch and I knew if I didn't get ready now that I'd never make it out of bed to go. I was very good at sleeping for long periods of time. I was surprised Brian hadn't woken me up when he had gotten up just to make sure I was awake to meet Emmett. There had been plenty of times where I had missed a lunch or breakfast because of my sleep habits.

My shower was quick and I was soon enjoying putting together a hot breakfast of eggs, pancakes, and bacon so that the rumbling in my stomach would be satiated. I jumped as my phone suddenly vibrated insistently in my pocket. I turned off the burner for my eggs and set them aside so I could plate them after I answered my phone. I flipped it open without looking at the number and placed it against my ear.

"Hello?" I didn't have long to wait before a familiar voice came through loud and clear and very excited considering how early it was.

"Hey, honey! Are you up and about? We have a lunch date this afternoon!" I grinned at Emmett's obvious excitement. He had told me about two days ago that we needed to have a lunch date because he had something extremely important to tell me. He had outright refused to tell me in front of anyone else or over the phone. I knew he was planning my mother's wedding but I doubted it had anything to do with that, I _hoped_ it had nothing to do with that.

"Yeah, yeah," I responded with a laugh, "I'm up and about, Em. You are way too cheery for the morning though. How do you do it?" I held the phone to my ear with my shoulder and began to plate my breakfast so I could eat it. I was starving at this point.

"Oh, sweetie, it's not early. It's already 10:30! I've been up for hours. I'll see you at the Crab Shack, okay?" I mhmmed my consent and then he was gone. I hung up the phone and immediately dug into my food, hoping it wasn't too cold after my conversation with Emmett. Once I had scarfed the rest of it down I worked on getting dressed for my day. I took my time picking out a comfortable pair of jeans to go with the simple t-shirt and zip up sweatshirt.

I usually didn't bother with a attaining a 'certain fashion look' since that was Brian's forte but I had the time this morning so there was no reason not to at least look at what I was going to wear. I smiled at the finished product that was staring back at me in the mirror. I looked just like I always did, comfortable. I glanced at the clock and cursed. It was 11:15 now and it would take about a half an hour to get across the city and park at the busy restaurant. Em had picked a fairly upscale place just to have lunch which only raised my suspicions on what he wanted to tell me.

He had even promised to foot the bill when he was fully aware that I had a shit ton more money to spend on fancy lunches like this than he did. Unless he had just landed a big wedding to plan. His business was extremely popular and he made quite a bit of money but, compared to Brian and I, it couldn't quite compare.

He wouldn't hear any of it though when I told him that I would treat him to lunch. He told me that he wanted to treat me because it was a special day for celebration. I didn't really understand but I let it go and backed off as he wished.

I threw on my shoes quickly and practically ran out the door to my car before speeding off to meet up with one of my closest friends. I didn't want to be late for whatever announcement Emmett was so excited about.

xXx

I parked my car in the closest parking garage a block down from the intimidating building which held the counseling center. If they wanted to make me feel more comfortable with entering the building to show up for the appointment, the building they resided in had been a poor choice. I sighed and forced myself to push the button for the elevator, ignoring the appraising looks I was getting from a thin brunet standing a few feet away, also waiting for the elevator.

I had no interest in him and I was here for a much more important reason. I took a deep breath as I stepped into the elevator and pressed the correct floor number while the other man entered, seemingly going to the same floor since he didn't bother pushing another button. The ride was silent, thank god, as I tried to get my nerves under control. I cursed inwardly as the doors opened far too soon. I stepped out, glancing at the sign that gave directions to the different offices on this particular floor.

It didn't take long to spot the sign for the counseling center and I immediately turned left and made my way through the confusing maze of hallways, always following the signs, until I reached a door with the correct number.

It wasn't labeled in big bold letters, instead the words were smaller, keeping things understated which was nice considering what I was about to do.

"Hey, are you going to stare at the door all day or are you actually going to enter?" I glanced back, surprised that I hadn't noticed there was someone behind me. It was the man from the elevator. I stepped to the side, gesturing for him to enter, a scowl firmly in place on my face. This man was starting to annoy me and put me more on edge than I originally was.

Once he had entered, I quickly followed suit, watching as he 'checked in' with the front desk before I did the same. I found a place to sit far away from elevator man to wait for my appointment.

After about five minutes of knee bouncing agony a short, petite woman entered the waiting area.

"Brian?" She glanced between elevator man and myself before I stood, hoping my nerves were well hidden from the lady before me. She smiled at me and led me back into the offices of the psychologists. I winced at the sound of that word in my head. It made me feel like I might be crazy or something which wasn't what I was.

"Well, Brian, it's nice to meet you in person. My name is Marie, as I'm sure you recall. This is my office here. Go ahead and take a seat. She motioned towards a comfortable sitting area with two plush chairs. I picked one and sat down fluidly while she sat down in the other, clipboard in hand.

"Alright, Brian. Let's start with the first question, simple enough. Why are you here?" I looked her straight in the eyes, putting on the best mask I could of confidence and poise. I didn't want to be a nervous wreck in front of someone who was judging me at my own request. Why the fuck was I here? I pinched the bridge of my nose and shut my eyes for a moment to gather my thoughts before taking a deep breath and looking her square in the eyes once more.

"I'm here because Justin thought it would be good idea if we both went to counseling. So, if this is the way to keep him, well, I promised him I'd try and here I am. Next question." I leaned back, slipping quickly into Brian Kinney mode, letting the quick talking and smooth tone work for me instead of focusing on the nerves. I could do this.

"Ah, no, Brian. We are not moving on to the next question. We are still on the first one. I cannot help you unless you _want_ the help. If you are here merely to please Justin then this wont really help you. Counseling is not effective when done because some else wants you to do it. It only works if you are willing to explore yourself and find out where your troubles are coming from." She watched me carefully, but her expression had no doubt or uncertainty in it. I had no real effect on her which was odd to say the least and she wasn't about to give me a free pass to come here and be the old asshole I used to be.

I sighed, breaking her gaze to glance out the window. She was asking me to open up and we had only just met. I wanted to laugh in her face and walk away but Justin's disappointed expression was immediately called to mind. I wanted this, for him _and_ for myself. I had to believe that or what would I have left when it was all said and done?

"Listen, I know I need this. Some of my reasons are based on needing to keep Justin in my life. I couldn't live without him at this point. There are other reasons though. I want to stop being such a coward, such an idiot when it comes to the relationship Justin and I have. I want to be able to be the man he needs. I just don't know how to do that on my own. So, I am here for myself as well. That a good enough answer for you, Doc?" I kept my answer brutally honest, opening my thoughts up to the feelings of cowardice and shame at my own lack of trust. I felt myself trying to back away though, the walls starting to build up as I added my own touch of Brian Kinney humor at the end.

Her expression twisted into something a bit more thoughtful as she considered my answer. If she didn't believe me then I was going to walk out of this place and never fucking look back.

"Yes. It is. Now, why do you think you're a coward?" Well, she certainly didn't waste any time getting to the hard shit. My thoughts shifted abruptly to a more preferable activity that involved hard things. I smirked, trying not to look at Marie as I forced myself to focus on the task at hand. Now was not the time to be horny though it was usually my natural state.

"Well, because I can't trust myself to show Justin that I love him. I drown myself in booze to keep myself from feeling too much. When he left-" I cut myself off, the welling up of emotion a surprise to me as I tried to get out what I was saying. This was too much for one sitting. How could I explain it without falling into my old ways? I don't think there was any real way to do that.

"When he left?" She would take that last bit and shove it in my face. I stood up, moving to stare out the window and the sidewalk far below us. I could see the lines of people that were walking along on their way to work or on the way to their morning coffee. I wished fervently that I was them right now, instead of being forced to explain myself to this woman.

"A little over two years ago Justin and I decided that it would be best if he went to New York to further his art career. There were a few articles published on his work and how talented he was. I wanted him to be able to be his own man, to experience the world in the most extravagant way possible and I knew that couldn't happen in the Pitts so I told him I wanted him to go, that it would be best for the both of us." My voice shook as I recalled that day, that final night we had spent in each others arms. I had never felt more connected to anyone in all my life. I could see Marie, out of the corner of my eye, scribbling something down on her clipboard before turning her gaze back to me.

"And now he's back?" She inquired. I smiled, the memories of that day still fresh in my mind. I hadn't been able to let go of my Sunshine for the entire day and night of his return.

"Yes. He had spent about two years in New York. We had spoken on the phone almost everyday of that two years and then, suddenly, he told me he wanted to come back and that he wanted to move in with me instead of getting his own apartment. It was happiest and scariest day of my life." I noted with a small amount of shame. I had been scared to death when Justin had told me that he wanted to come home yet the happiness had been just as strong.

"Why were you scared?" I was glaring out the window now, annoyed with her persistent questioning. How the hell should I know why I was scared? I just fucking was. I wanted to tell her to fuck off.

"I don't know, Doc. That's just what I felt. Happy?" I snapped at her but she didn't look frightened of my temper or unhappy, she looked as though I hadn't said anything at all. I frowned and flopped down into the chair across from her.

"Brian, if you don't want to be here, then don't waste my time. I have a waiting list of people who would actually like my help." I looked over at her, shocked that she had the gall to say that to someone who was paying her the ungodly amount of money I was paying her. I felt my frustration flare but beside that began to grow a small amount of respect for the no nonsense woman sitting in front of me. She wasn't about to take my bullshit and I was suddenly grateful for that as we stared each other down.

"Okay, okay." I conceded quietly, breaking our gaze to stare out the window once more.

"I... I was afraid that he would leave me again, that he wouldn't stick around in Pittsburgh. He would realize, once he came back, that I was not good enough for him and he would go back to New York and find some perfect soul mate to marry and live happily ever after with." I spat out the words with disgust as the memory of Ethan floated to the surface. I hated him and his stupid fucking violin with a passion. I had hated it just as much at the time, surprising myself with the power of my hatred towards a man I didn't even know.

"Would he leave you?" She inquired, her gaze never leaving me as I tried to reign back all the hatred that was coursing through me. Would Justin actually leave me? I could see the love shining from his eyes, I could feel the reverence in his touch as we made love, yes I said made love. I didn't fuck Justin anymore. I don't think I ever really had. I sighed and turned to look at Marie, finally having calmed down enough to respond.

"No." But that didn't change the fact that my thoughts still doubted and worked to protect my heart which lay open to my beautiful blond lover.

"But you still have these fears which makes you think you're a coward?" I nodded but didn't look at her, keeping my gaze steady on the outside world. If I looked at her I knew everything I was feeling in that moment would be plastered on my face. I didn't want her to see that. I wasn't ready for her to see that.

"Thank you for telling me that. I have a few more questions. Who are you, Brian? How do you see yourself?" I took a deep breath, grasping for control of myself, of my emotions, as I worked on the next question. I was glad to be off the previous line of questioning. It wasn't easy for me to think about Justin leaving. It had happened more than once and I prayed to whatever god might be out there that it never happened again.

"Well, I'm 35 years old, I run my own advertising business, Kinnetic, and I spent the majority of my adult life fucking every hot gay male in Pittsburgh. What else do you want to know?" She sighed at my response but seemed to expect as much. It's not like it wasn't true. I had been known to fuck a lot of people. My rule on fucking someone once and only once forced me to pick a new guy every night. It had worked well for me, until I met Justin. He had made me crave more.

"Okay, let me give a bit more detail. What were your parents like?" I crinkled my nose, confused as to why she would want to know about my wretched parents. I had never met a pair of more selfish and disgusting people as my parents. Fortunately, one was already dead and the other made it a point to stay out of my life as much as possible.

"What does that have to with me?" I inquired, curious as to why she thought they were relevant to our discussion of me.

"Your parents raised you and, whether for better or for worse, they helped shape who you are." She didn't back down from her question or take it back. Her reasoning made sense but I was exactly the opposite of what my parents had raised me to be.

"They were mean and spiteful and hated each other. They were both drunks and my father beat the hell out of my mother and myself. I'm glad he's dead. Neither of them accepted that I'm gay. My mother is convinced that I'm going to burn in hell and tells me that every chance she gets." Marie scribbled something down quickly and met my gaze with a smile.

"Did you ever consider the possibility that your parents treatment towards each other and towards you helped shape your idea of having sexual intercourse with 'all of gay Pittsburgh' to keep you from getting too attached and ending up in a relationship like theirs?" She looked completely serious though I was sure she had to be joking.

I was the farthest thing from what my parents had been and I had done everything in my power to stay the hell away from their influence but that didn't mean that I did those things because of them. I did what I did because it was pleasurable and because I could have anyone I wanted. It was logical.

"No. What I did was logical." I knew our time had to be coming to a close, at least, I hoped so. I was tired already and it was still early morning.

"Well, our time is almost up but consider something for the week. Your parents treated each other and you terribly giving you a disturbing vision on what domestic life should be like. Doesn't it make sense that your tendency to fear commitment has something to do with your parents effect on you? Don't answer now. Just think on it. It was good to meet you, Brian. Would you still like to meet with me next week or are you going to be looking elsewhere?" I stored the question away for further reflection though I wished I could just deny it upfront and move on from talking about my parents. I sighed, considering her final question. I really didn't want to make this decision about returning here but I already knew my answer.

"Same time next week then?" I sounded frustrated and exhausted but she didn't seem to notice as she penciled me in and got up from her chair.

"I'll walk you out. This way." I stood to follow as we made our way out towards the front area of the office. It was empty which was good because I still wasn't pleased about elevator man and his snide remark.

"I'll see you next Thursday, Brian. Have a good week." I exited without another word, not exactly responding to her salutations. One session down, how many to go?

xXx

"Baby, you're late!" Emmett scolded as I rushed up, fairly out of breath. I glanced at my watch and outright laughed.

"Em, I'm late by like 2 minutes! Is this announcement time sensitive as well? You would think you had witnessed a miracle by the way you're acting! Come on, let's get a table, I need to sit down and catch my breath." I glanced around the front area of the restaurant only to find two waiters looking at me like I was causing some kind of disturbance. I fucking hated fancy shit like this. You have to act proper or they think you're going to cause trouble.

Once we sat down and I managed to catch my breath from my run in an attempt not to be too late, we placed our orders and Emmett got down to business. I watched, surprised, as he went from a very excited and happy-go-lucky friend to a very serious expression. It was like he was preparing to tell me something very important or very bad. I didn't like it. I had already learned about Mel recently. I really didn't want anymore bad news.

"I feel like I've been waiting forever to tell you this. I haven't told anyone yet..." I huffed, annoyed at the introduction I was getting. Why couldn't he just bubble over like he usually did?

"Come on, Em. Get on with it! You're starting to scare me with all this secrecy." I was practically begging him at this point, wishing I could tell him about Mel and make him understand how on edge I already was with Brian having gone through his first counseling session but those were secrets I had to keep to myself. He held up his hands in surrender, a flicker of excitement passing over his face as he built up a bit more suspense and then he literally exploded in a flurry of words and excitement.

"Oh, Justin! You'll never believe! Drew asked me to marry him! Can you believe it?"


	5. Hold My Hand

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Queer as Folk. No copyright infringement intended.**

**This one is a bit shorter because I really had to end it where it ended... Don't hate me. :)**

**My apologies that it took so long to post again. Academics and work have taken over my life. Hopefully I'll be on track now. :) Enjoy!  
**

**Chapter 5:**** Hold My Hand**

"Mr. Kinney?" I glanced up at the unexpected intrusion and tried to put on a more professional expression. Cynthia did not need to be aware of my most recent excursion to my first counseling session and work was not the place to be thinking about it anyway.

"Yes?" My response came out sharp, almost annoyed and I forced myself to reign back a bit. I needed to relax or my work day was going to be hell. I had talked to Lindsey not long after I had left the counseling center but there was no news on Melanie's condition. I could hear the tension in her tone, the pain at the thought of her life partner being diagnosed with such a terrible disease was obvious in her voice. I knew how hard it was, the pain, the shock, all of it. I had never been weaker than when I was diagnosed, except, maybe, in the moment Justin had walked into my life.

"You have a meeting in about 15 minutes with the Art department concerning the Sony account and the Sony group will be here in an hour." I checked my watch and stood up quickly, gathering together the papers I had been looking at before I had drifted off into my own head. I was suddenly very grateful for Cynthia's reminder and the fact that she had the decency to keep tabs on me, helping me keep my schedule. These accounts were extremely important and I had to focus.

Now was not the time to be slacking or distracted. The economy was hard enough as it was, pushing people into bankruptcy faster than I could blink, and that meant I had to be at the top of my game if I wanted to keep this company afloat.

"Thank you, Cynthia." She nodded and disappeared back to her desk. This was going to be an interesting day and I did not have time to think about my morning activities. I had spent far too much time away from the office as it was. I stopped just for a moment, taking a second to soak in the painting of Gus and I that Justin had created that now hung in my office. I smiled and slipped on my game face.

_Time to work some Brian Kinney magic, Sonny Boy._

xXx

I stared at Emmett as he bounced around in his seat in utter excitement. I suppose that meant he had said yes to Drew's proposal. He looked too happy to have said no. I wasn't too sure about the idea though. They hadn't been back together that long and I still wasn't sure how I felt about Drew. I tried not to let my thoughts leak into my expression as I grinned, taking Emmett's hand in mine.

"Aw, Em, that's fantastic! When did he propose and when is the wedding?" He grinned back, his exuberance wonderful yet worrying. I didn't want one of my best friends to get hurt.

"He proposed a week ago at this amazing restaurant with the help of the staff and, oh Justin, it was so beautiful. I cried when he got down on one knee! I just couldn't keep back the emotion. I didn't even expect it but I'm so happy!" I could see a few of the restaurant patrons glaring at us with disapproving looks and I glared right back, daring them to interrupt my friends happiness. They could get over their posh bullshit for a few minutes as Emmett celebrated.

"That's great, Em! Are you going to plan it yourself?" That would be difficult. Weddings were not small affairs in most cases. Knowing Emmett, it would be the biggest event of the year, trumping Christmas and New Years without any effort at all. He couldn't plan all of that on his own and experience being a groom at the same time, though I wouldn't put it past him to try.

"Well, I'll put in my thoughts and ideas. My planning may be used for some things but I think I'm going to have Kegan plan it for me. I trust her, after all the work she has put into our business, I know she is capable. Plus, I've already talked about my future wedding so much that I'm sure she has it all memorized by now." He was right about that. Kegan had been a fantastic choice on Emmett's part for his company. She knew just about as much as he did about wedding planning and was just as good at planning them. They made a great pair as business partners.

"I'd imagine it would be difficult to do it all on your own. I'm glad Kegan is willing to help plan. She will be perfect for you." I sat back as the waiter walked up with our food and waited until he had left us alone again to continue to conversation while we ate.

"I'm so happy for you, Em. I know how long you've wanted something serious like this and Drew is a great guy." I dug into the food in front of me, practically starving after all the time that had past since I had last ate in the morning. It had been a few hours at least and I was a growing guy. I needed sustenance constantly.

"So, that's not all... I wanted to ask... would you do me the honor of being my Maid of Honor?" I had to chuckle at request. _Maid of honor?_ He looked completely serious as he watched me, waiting for my answer.

"Sure, but can't I be the best man or something? Why say _maid of honor_ when I'm obviously a guy?" He smiled at my reluctance but there was a determination in his eyes. I bit back a groan of frustration. He was going to make me the _maid _of honor. I didn't have a choice.

"Drew and I decided that we wanted to go about this as any normal couple would and since he is obviously the 'big, burly man' in this situation, he wanted to be the 'groom' and have a best man. I, on the other hand, chose to be the 'bride'-groom and have my maids of honor." I sat back, digesting this particular piece of information. _Wait a minute..._

"_Maids..._ as in... plural?" Emmett nodded with a smile and I fervently hoped he hadn't chosen Brian as a part of that group. He would already hate that Emmett was having a traditional wedding. Yet, at that moment, I would have given anything to hear my partner, my lover, propose once more. I sighed and pushed that thought away. I had a best friend to focus on right now.

"Not Brian, don't worry. I know how he is. I do have to tell Teddy about this though and then ask him. I can't have my wedding without him. I was also thinking I would ask Michael. That makes three of you." Emmett smiled again, nibbling at his food without much gusto, which wasn't very Emmett-like.

"Is everything okay, Em? I mean, you're barely eating." I dug into my food once more, scooping up the rest of it and popping it into my mouth, savoring the flavor as I watched my friend nibble a bit more before coming up with a response.

"I have to watch my figure, you know, so I look real good in that tux on my wedding day." I chuckled at his answer, knowing that Emmett would never gain weight a day in his life. I had seen this man plow through pints of ice cream, pounds of candy, and a shit ton of milkshakes but, no matter what, he was a thin as a rail. That would never change.

"That's ridiculous, Em, and you know it. You've never gained a pound in your life." He chuckled and nodded in agreement. He knew, just like I did, that he would look great for this wedding and it would be done in typical Emmett fashion.

"Well, now that we've gotten that little bit of information out... how are things going for you, hon?" I had kept Emmett up to date on the mess that was Brian and I but I couldn't fill him in on the choice Brian and I had made. Brian would never forgive me if I told anyone else that he was in counseling. I didn't want to fuck this up if it had the chance of helping.

"Things have been worse and better. After the last fight he's been pretty attentive. Of course, you know how that goes. I suppose we'll see how it all works out this time. I don't know how much longer I can do this, Em. We are, literally, trying the last resort which was something I thought we'd never get to." The roles had switched and Emmett was obviously worried about me. He continued to tell me that Brian would never change but there had been so much good mixed with so much bad. I just couldn't forget the love he had shown me before I had left for New York.

I never should have left in the first place. I had known it then and I knew it now but the decision had been made and Brian had done what he always did; what he thought was best for me. I didn't want to bring down the happy news Emmett had released to me but I couldn't help it. Brian was always in the forefront of my mind, my constant companion.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I know it's tough but, Justin, as much as I love that you love him... Brian just isn't capable of it. You could have anyone you wanted and you continue to beat yourself against a wall to get to Brian. What if he never gets things right?" The waiter stopped by again, dropping off our check and Emmett grabbed it before I could make my move. Although, now that I thought about it, maybe Emmett was on an equal playing field with Brian and I financially, especially if Drew was in the picture. That man made millions every year playing football.

"I have thought about that so many times, Em. Yet, each time I end up back with him. I can't leave him, not when I am so aware of what he capable of. I know he has it in him, to love. I just know it. I've seen it... before I left, before he promised me that things would be okay if I left. I love him, Em." I looked away, glancing around the restaurant as I tried to pull myself together. I was too emotional about it, too invested. I would shatter if I lost him and I would shatter him if I pushed too hard.

"I know, sweetie, I know. Come on, let's go for a walk, okay?" I smiled, glad that Emmett was willing to distract me for a little while. I needed a distraction from my life, from his constant presence on my mind.

xXx

"Justin!" I called out, as I pulled open the door to the loft, dropping my briefcase by my desk and turning around in search of my blue eyed lover. I didn't see him within my line of sight but what I did see didn't sooth my nerves. Mikey stood up from one of the bar stools, his eyes wild with confusion and upset. He looked like a lost puppy. I did not want to deal with this shit right now.

"Brian, thank god, you're back," his tone was whiny and I almost took a step back as he advanced towards me.

"Why the fuck are you here, Mikey?" He stopped, a hurt expression on his face. I fervently wished Justin would walk through the door at any moment so I could kick Mikey out. I was tired and it was obvious whatever my unwelcome visitor had to say was not going to make me feel any better.

"I-I... Mel and Lindz called. They told me about Mel and I just can't stop worrying about JR. Did you know about this?" I sighed and skirted around him so I could grab a short glass and pour myself a shot. I did not need this right now. All I needed was a quick drink, or three, and my blond lover.

"Of course I knew, Mikey. Now, why are you here and where the hell is Justin?" I didn't sound so angry anymore. I was merely resigned to the fact that he probably wasn't going to leave until I answered him. My head snapped up as the loft door suddenly slid open to reveal Justin, his expression a bit confused.

"Hey Michael, everything okay?" He glanced over at me, the worry in his expression a bit more intense then it should have been considering what Mikey wanted to discuss. He obviously wanted to talk about my morning. Was I willing to do that? Did I have a choice?

_ Stop being such a pussy, Kinney. This is not the time to act like some lesbionic moron._

I downed my drink, knocking it back in one shot and letting the burn register, a pleasant feeling in my mind. I grabbed the bottle and poured another shot as Justin walked into the loft, pulling off his jacket and sitting down with Mikey. I could hear them talking as I downed my next drink.

"Everything is not okay! Mel might have cancer and then I worry about JR and how that will affect her. Brian doesn't seem to give a shit!" Mikey glared back at me before turning back to Justin to complain some more. Did he think I was going to take that lying down? Fucker.

"It's not that I don't give a shit, Michael! For once I actually care about what happens to that Nazi bitch! I'm just not going to cry over it and freak out about it. That's the last thing the carpet munchers need. Believe me! I know. Been there, fucking done that." I huffed and let my body drop into a chair about a foot away from the two men as Michael stared at me in shock. Justin just shook his head and looked away. What the hell? I was just being honest. Michael stood up, his expression growing angry as he glared at me for a moment before heading towards the door.

"I see, so you just sit there and be an asshole about it while I go worry about my daughter! Do you even care what happens to Gus?" I thought about responding to that but the loft door slid shut before I could yell back at him. How dare he think I didn't care about my son?

"Brian, what the hell is wrong with you?" I watched as Justin stood from the couch, the disappointed look still in his eyes, and moved to the kitchen to grab something. I stood to follow him, to hold him. I had wanted him here when I had arrived and now he was here. I glanced at the bottle of scotch, torn between grabbing another drink so I could get a buzz going and getting to hold my Sunshine. Which did I want more?

I stepped past the bottle and slid my arms around Justin, burying my nose in neck and inhaling the familiar scent of my lover. He was so unassuming, so young, but he had cut through me in those first moments of our meeting without me even realizing it. What made him so strong on the inside? I wish I knew. All of a sudden he was twisting out of my arms and backing away, his expression unhappy.

"There is nothing wrong with me, Justin. I just didn't expect to come home to a whiney best friend and no Sunshine. I needed you here and instead I got Michael." I took a step towards him, holding out my arms in a very un-Kinney-like way, wishing he hadn't stepped away from my embrace. I was too sentimental, too mixed up. This was harder than I thought it was going to be.

"He was upset, Brian, and rightfully so. Cancer is not something most people have to deal with very often and it's not an easy disease. He has every right to worry about JR, just as you have every right to worry about Gus. What would it be like for him to see his mom go through chemo when he is so young? Have you even thought about how it could effect him emotionally?" I dropped my arms as I considered his words. Yes, I had worried about Gus but that didn't mean I needed to openly queen out about it. I wasn't like Mikey or Emmett or Lindsey. I was going to stay calm because I know that was how I wanted people to be when I had cancer, which was why I tried not to tell anyone about it.

"Of course I worry about Gus but being calm is more help then being so irrational and freaked out. Listen, Mikey is my best friend but sometimes I just can't handle his emotional states and today is a day where I just don't want to deal with it. Is that so wrong?" I took another step towards him and was glad that he chose to stand still this time. I never wanted him to run away from me or deny me. It just made things harder.

"No, that's not wrong but they way you went about it was. Why were you drinking anyway? You realize that when you drink you only get worse, right?" I took another step towards him so that I could reach out and touch him at this point. God how I wanted to touch him, those crystal clear blue eyes, that pale skin... I would never grow tired of it. Of this much I was certain.

"I'm almost 36 years old, Justin. I think I'm allowed to have a drink every once in a while and I'm sorry about what I did to Mikey." I lowered my voice and took a step closer before sliding my arms around him, pulling him tighter against me. I inhaled his scent again, resting my head on his and relaxing into his touch. This was what I wanted. I heard him sigh but he didn't back away, instead he slid his arms around my waist and hugged me tightly.

"How was counseling?" His question was whispered and quiet. It was obvious that he was nervous to even ask but it made sense that he was curious. Could I tell him about it? Did I want to?

That answer was simple. Yes, I wanted to tell him, just so somebody knew. He was the only one I trusted not to go and blab it to every one else in our group of friends. He would keep my secrets, especially concerning this. I pulled away from him reluctantly and made my way towards the bedroom. He wasn't far behind me, sitting down beside me on the edge of the bed.

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want-" He started.

"I want to." I cut him off and he smiled, that wonderfully bright Sunshine smile he was infamous for. God, I loved this man. I scoffed at my own mental declaration. I needed to tone that shit down. Justin took my hand, rubbing soothing circles into the back of it, his touch creating other, distracting, sensations.

"Did you like her?" I smiled in gratitude at his use of questions. I didn't even know where to begin. I took a deep breath, wishing for once that I hadn't had those few shots. It was creating a fuzzy edge in my head that wasn't making this any easier.

"Well, no, but yes. She... she had the no-nonsense, no-bullshit attitude and it was like she could see right through whatever I tried to throw at her. She told me that if I didn't want this that I should stop wasting her time and get out of her office." I chuckled at the thought of her stubbornness. It was impressive. Most people didn't even bother trying to stand up to me. Justin chuckled as well, encouraging me with another smile.

"She asked me why I was there and I told her. She also asked me about when you left for New York and when you came back and she wanted to know why I felt the way I did about it. Then she asked about me and who I saw myself as. I told her the basics; age, job title, and whatever else. She said that wasn't what she wanted. Then she asked me about my parents." Justin grimaced, his expression a mixture of frustration and anger at the mention of parents. Neither of us had had our fair share of good fortune with our parents. At least, in his case, he still had Mother Taylor. I had been rejected by both my parents a long time ago.

"I didn't really want to talk about them but she said that they affected who I am today so that meant I had to explore that with her as well. We made an appointment for next week and that's it I guess." I had thought about going into more detail but for some reason it had come out as more of a summary than an explanation of my emotions. I didn't do emotions well and this was no exception.

"Brian, can I ask you another question?" Here goes nothing. I sighed, wrapping my hand around his for comfort.

"Of course, Sunshine. What did you want to know?" His crystal blue gaze met mine, his expression openly curious.

"How did you feel exactly when I left? Did you want me to leave?" He had chosen one of the most difficult questions to ask but that didn't surprise me as much as I thought it would. Justin always knew how to get to the heart of the matter. I looked away from his waiting gaze and glanced around the room, wishing I knew exactly how to explain all of it without hurting him in the process.

"I wanted you to experience your life on your own. I wanted you to be successful and know that you could do that all on your own. That's why I wanted you to go but that doesn't mean..." I stopped my explanation, trying to think of what I could say that would be truest to how I was feeling at that moment. I felt a soft pair of lips kiss my neck and firm hand turned my face towards him so he could kiss me gently. I could feel my body react with an overpowering need to touch him, all of him. He pulled back, our breathing heavy.

"You don't have to explain if you don't want to." He whispered and I could tell he was being honest with me. He loved me, trusted me, and I was sure he knew that his departure had been hard on both of us but I wanted to tell him. It just wasn't easy to do.

"That doesn't mean," I whispered, "that it didn't hurt to watch you leave. It was like a part of me was ripped out and it went with you. It brought up all of... all of the memories of when you decided to be with Ethan. Fuck, I sound like a carpet muncher with all this sentimental bull shit." Justin chuckled at my sudden departure from the tense moment between us. I pulled him to me, kissing him hard on and immediately seeking entrance into his mouth. Our tongues battled against each other and he moaned, pushing me down onto the bed and rolling on top of me.

I could feel the entire length of his body pressed down on mine, his clothes giving way to soft pale skin under my hands. He pulled away, panting and I pulled him down so I could reach his neck. Without warning, I flipped him over, trapping him between myself and the bed. I could feel his hands sliding up under my shirt and tugging insistently before I lifted my arms so he could remove it.

I quickly followed suit, tossing his clothes onto the floor to be picked up at a later time. I ran my hands down his chest, swirling my tongue around one nipple as I wrapped my hand around his waiting cock. He groaned at slight touch and I let go to move back up and kiss him again.

"Tease," he huffed as I backed away from a moment to grab a condom and lube. I turned back with a smile and placed both items in his hand, kissing him gently on the lips. He looked up at me with wide eyes, his expression confused.

"Come on, Sunshine. I haven't got all night. Well, that's not true. I plan on fucking you _all_ night." My tone was seductive as I whispered in his ear. I felt him shudder beneath me before I rolled over and pulled him towards me. Suddenly he moved, taking control of the situation. I had surprised him but he was obviously happy with my choice. It wasn't a choice I made very often. I watched, studying the man I loved as he put on the condom. I took him back into my arms with a searing kiss.

"I love you, Justin," I whispered without a thought behind it. Sentimental or not, it was true. The way his expression lit up at my words was worth all the 'I love you's' I could ever say.

"I love you, too," he whispered back.

xXx

The phone was loud in the silent loft, a insistent sound that roused me as I tried to ignore it so I could sleep just a tiny bit longer. My weekend had been long, having spent all Friday working on my art, all Saturday being fucked by Brian in various spots around the loft, and most of Sunday playing with Gus at Britin and trying to distract Lindsey and Mel from their worries. Monday was my day to lay in bed all day and just relax but the phone just kept getting louder, cutting into my unconsciousness.

"Okay, okay." I grumbled at it as I dragged myself out of bed, shivering in the chill outside of the covers. Sleeping naked was fantastic for a few different reasons until one had to get up in the morning.

I didn't bother with clothes, hoping it would be a quick call so I could jump back into bed. I grabbed the phone, rubbing my eyes and yawning.

"Justin?" A familiar, alert voice came through the line. I smiled at the sound of Brian's voice.

"Who else would it be? Everything okay?" I inquired, trying to keep another yawn out of my voice. I glanced back towards the bed, wishing the phone were closer to it so I could lay down again.

"Mel got her results." I straightened up, going on full alert as his words sunk in. They must have called him at work. I shut my eyes, squeezing them tight and praying for the best outcome. _Please tell me she's going to be okay..._

"Is she going to be... okay?" There was a tense pause on the other end of the phone as I waited with baited breath. Were our friends going to be okay?


End file.
